Dear Rove. . .
Nov. 30th, 2009
06:06 pm - Farewell + New Blog
It has sure been a long time hasn’t it? A lot has changed since I last emailed you. Most notably being that I no longer own a television. It took a while, but I have heard that there is no more Rove Live. Is this true? That’s amazing.
It’s a hollow victory really. If only I had continued to write I could have claimed victory. Sadly, this has not been through my will. It has been the collective will of the nation. So, thank you, Nation. It took some time, but you eventually came round to my way of thinking.
If you, or indeed anyone else, is interested, I have started a new project. It can be found at http://bradsworld.wordpress.com. I’ve widened my scope and am taking on more than one opponent at a time. It’s still in its infancy, but I hope that with support if will grow to be as successful as Dear Rove once was.
I’d also like to take the time to thank every body who read and commented on Dear Rove. It was a lot of fun to do each week and I appreciated every comment I received. Even the negative comments…especially the negative comments.
So thank you to everyone, Rove, thanks for going away.
Ps – How’s the unemployment line, Pete?
Nov. 19th, 2008
01:59 pm - Umm...So, I'm not dead.
Sorry it has been so long since I updated. Firstly, let me just make sure that everyone is aware that I am not dead. I am very much alive (unlike Live Journal). I could have sworn that I updated explaining that I was going to stop and why...but I cannot seem to see that anywhere.
Although, I gotta say, I am very impressed that in my absence, my readership has doubled! Gotta be impressed with that. It's kind of amusing that my popularity has increased since I stopped writing. Which is to say, I'm funnier when I do nothing.
I have seen a lot of ads for Rove recently and I gotta say, nothing has changed. He still isn't funny, he still has the same guests on an annual rotation and he still makes me throw things at my TV.
Perhaps it is time I took up my crusade again? I read a lot of replies that people were beginning to like Rove on account of the fact there is no one to remind him how much of a douche he is. That's sad. Anyone who thinks that should smack themselves. And not in the sexy, "oh yeah, I've been a bad girl, teach me a lesson" kind of way. In the "I've broken the expensive vase and now I'm going to get smacked with the iron" kind of smack.
So, I'll have a think about making a come back. Let me know what you think. If you're for it, post a reply to let me know. If you're against it, I suggest you avoid posting a reply because I often do things simply out of spite.
May. 11th, 2007
How did you pull up after the Logies? I pulled up just fine on account of the fact that I didn’t watch them. Apart from the start where Adam Hills took Naomi Robson down a couple of pegs and Dave told Kyle Sandilands pretty much what the rest of the nation was thinking. Good on ‘em. Not enough people in this world telling it how it is. I like to tell it how it is. That’s why when my friends introduce me to other friends; they always give a disclaimer about me being a bastard. I shouldn’t really see that as a good thing, but I do.
How the fuck do you keep taking out the award for ‘best light entertainment’? It’s seriously rigged. Did you see on Today Tonight or A Current Affair…probably TT since ACA is on Channel 9. Anyway, they pretty much said that the Logies were a joke because the ballots are secret and the whole thing is run by PBL. It’s a bit of a good point, but then again, I’ve always thought that if you get your opinions from TT and ACA you’re a fucking moron and probably not worth talking to. What do you reckon? Do any of your friends get their ideas from ACA? I always find it amusing when they do those stories on “ordinary people making millions” and how “you can do it too!” Yet, it’s totally obvious that the idea only works because it is original and it won’t work for you. I should really start turning off my TV at 6.30 again. I was so much happier when I was unaware of how stupid people are. Anyway, back to ‘best light entertainment.’ Does it bother you at all that you weren’t nominated for ‘best comedy’? I mean, being a comedian, you’d think that your show would be a comedy. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, so you won PBL’s little popularity competition. Big deal. It doesn’t change the fact that your show is about as entertaining as watching the Down syndrome kid down the street cross the road. Actually, wait, that’s always good value. One of these days he isn’t going to make it. The tension is always so thick. Let me try again. It doesn’t change the fact that your show is about as entertaining as watching your mother change her underpants. Yeah, that one will work. How’s that for your mother’s day episode?
So, everyone is bringing their mum’s on to the show this Sunday are they? Well, on the plus side, I guess we’ll all know who to blame from now on. Are you sure this episode is going to be funny? It sounds to me like a train wreck about to happen. As if this isn’t going to turn in to a shit hurling contest. I’m sure that by the end of this, your mothers’ will all be highly embarrassed and probably pissed that 700,000 Australians saw them make arses of themselves. I’m looking forward to the fall out from this. This is easily the best idea (and by best I mean worst) that you have had since the time you interviewed ‘John Howard’ “via satellite” and just stole Conan’s sketch of using a photo and talking yourself.
Who the fuck is Michael Weatherly? Is he that American knob that was at the Logies? Yeah, that’s what makes Australian TV cool – having a yank there to give everyone the impression that they watch our shit in the
Why are Eskimo Joe back on? They’re so last month. I thought you were supposed to be on it, Rove. I was wrong. You’re just a small boy in small men’s clothes. Does anyone even care about these guys this week? All they’re songs are awful now because the Austereo network played them to death. Triple J hardly ever plays them anymore and the last band I can remember that they stopped playing because other stations did was Killing Heidi and let’s face it, Ella Hooper is an ugly day time hooker. Eskimo Joe are really nothing special. It’s music to ignore when you’re at a party, that’s all.
So Eric Bana has come home to whore off his new movie. Big deal. I’m sick of this knob. He’s just another self-centered
Hey Pete, nice joke at the Logies. Did your mum write it for you?
Finally Rove, a question for you. I work 5 or 6 days a week, and toward the end of the week, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays in particular, I find it really hard to get up and go to work and even staying at work until knock off time. Does that happen to you on Sunday afternoon after you’ve been at work for half an hour, or since you don’t actually do any work is it all good?
Ps – There isn’t really a Down syndrome kid down the street. Some times I think my neighbour’s dog is retarded though.
May. 10th, 2007
10:55 pm - POstponed until Friday
Dear Rove will be updated tomorrow (Friday).
Sorry for the convenience.
May. 3rd, 2007
How the fuck are you, all the way over there in the US? Man, I wish I had enough walking around money to just fly on over to America for a few days just to be on a TV show. Who paid for that by the way? I mean, ‘Rove Live’ or, the new abbreviated version of this season, ‘Rove’ (but it’s still live) isn’t broadcast over there, so I can’t see why Channel 10 would spring for it – unless they plan on trying to pimp it over there. Which they don’t. Because, well, why would they? Seriously. So who did pay for it? Did you pay for it yourself? I doubt it. Because in my head, you don’t have any money. You spent it all on rock. Unless…where is the money from Belinda Emmett’s new album going? I mean, the non-McGrath foundation part. Hrmm… I wonder.
So, no show this Sunday, huh? Logies a little more important than you are they? If I remember correctly, the Logies are produced by a little shit-fest production company known as Roving Enterprises. Also, you’ve won three gold Logies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that I think you are rigging the Logies, but…I think you are rigging the Logies. But we’ll come back to the Logies soon enough, but before that, I’ve got a whore in the cross-hairs.
Fifi lost. Get over it! “Oh, the fat singing whore won – it must be rigged because she works for Channel 7!” Get fucked! It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that she’s a better dancer, could it? Fucktards! So what’s the deal anyway? She has another job lined up with Channel 7, so she has to win the competition because she is already in on Channel 7? Does that make sense to anyone? What are these knobs trying to say? That losers don’t work for Channel 7? Ummm, Mel from Sunrise? Anyone? Hello? Anna Corren? Yes? Monique, the weather girl? I think so. Want more? Andrew O’Keefe? I think it is safe to say that the majority of Channel 7’s personalities are losers. Here’s my two cents on this whole thing:
Firstly, Fifi lost, get over it. Of all the people in the street that ACA and TT interviewed, how many of them actually voted? If you didn’t vote, you have no right to complain about the outcome! (That goes for you too, America. Maybe if you voted for a president, you’d get a half decent one). I didn’t vote though, don’t stress. I didn’t even know who the finalists were until everyone started bitching like the whiney, molested children they no doubt use to be. But here it is; anyone who can’t master the simple art of walking down stairs doesn’t deserve to win an award, no matter how awful the show is! If you can’t complete the simple act of walking down a set of stairs without face planting in front of about 500,000 to 1 million viewers, I think it is safe to assume that you aren’t the best dancer on television. In fact, you’re probably lucky to make it through the first episode. Did you know that every year, people die from falling down a set of stairs? Yeah, we use them everyday, but somewhere round the world – BAM! Broken neck. All I’m saying is, why can’t it happen on national television?
Okay Rove, back to you. So, firstly, you fuck off to America to appear on Jay Leno’s late night talk show. Why you went to Jay instead of Dave, I’m not sure. I mean, you steal more of Dave’s and Conan’s stuff than you do Jay’s. But that’s neither here nor there. Okay, so Jay introduced you as “having a similar job” to him. I liked his choice of words. It’s “similar” it’s not the same, because, well, he’s pretty good and you’re pretty bad. The next thing I noticed was when he said that you “host the most popular talk show” (I assume in Australia). Yeah, that might be true. But then again, it’s pretty fucking easy to host the most popular talk show in Australia when you’re the only talk show on commercial television. Heh, he thought you were lame because you were only on once a week. That’s a good point. You have a week to write an hour’s material. It takes me like 45 minutes tops to write this, and I’m usually doing something else while I do it – like abusing Anna Corren, eating dinner (I’m doing that now), throwing things at my cat and then pretending it wasn’t me, or judging my girlfriend and people still seem to enjoy it. Jay is on every week night. He has 24 hours to prepare for his show, and I’m sure he spends at least some of that time sleeping. So yeah, sometimes his show is fairly ordinary, but that’s because he’s on there with new material every night. Oh sure, he has a team of writers to help but, well fuck me, you do too. You have a week, and week after week, your show smells worse than a toilet in a curry house. Heh, that was good, I’m going to use that again some time as well.
So Jay seemed to think it was pretty cool that John Howard watches your show. Personally, I think it makes him more unfit to run the country than ever. What the fuck is he doing watching your show? He should be working on policy, or not being a fuckwit! Yet, he’s not just watching your show, he’s also eager to tell the whole fucking country he’s doing it. What a knob. And who the fuck cares if he watches your show? He’s just like any other guy, except he’s probably more fit than I am and he’s hated by more people than most. At the end of the day, why would you even care if John Howard watches your show? He’s a cock. And good evening to ASIO who probably just starting reading.
Man, 5.9 million people watched that episode of Jay’s. How many do you get? Well, I can’t find any recent numbers at the moment because:
1) my internet is shit
2) I can’t be bothered
3) You’re not worth the research
They’re claiming this is your most popular season (yet I’ve read several times that CSI still rapes you worse than Clarence Henry Osborne! (For anyone reading who doesn’t know who Clarence is, he admitted to having sexual encounters with between 100 and 200 adolescent boys. Then he topped himself in the late 70s, ’79 I think. Man, I learnt some useful stuff at uni. Thank you ‘Victimology’) but, your last season struggled to hit 800,000. This number of course is just not good enough. Heh, more people watch ‘The Chaser’s War on Everything’ than they do your show. You suck so much.
Oi, why the fuck was your “exclusive” interview on Channel 9? Are you that fucking stupid that you don’t even know what network you work for? Fuck you’re dumb. Also, I love ACA’s loose use of the term “exclusive.” I saw you on Channel Ten’s late night news last night – the same night that you had your “exclusive” with Nine. Not only was it the same night, you were wearing the same clothes. Man, I wish you had of been hit by a car on Sunset Boulevard. That would have been well wicked. Hey, who the fuck even cares that you were on Jay’s show? I sure as shit don’t. Oh wow, you’re on American TV. Wow, big fucking deal. You know, the only difference between you and me is that everyone knows you’re a fuckhead. Only about 500 people know that I’m a fuckhead.
I thought it was pretty funny when you were talking about the Logies. You said something about how you were surprised to be nominated for the gold Logie, considering you’ve been away for so long (it’s only been 6 months by way, and you’re already looking to piss off overseas?). Frankly, I thought it was a bit funny too. I mean, you’ve done like four episodes this season and the first of those wasn’t even in the ratings period. How the fuck did you get nominated for any Logies at all let alone the gold one. Fuck. And that brings me back nicely to my point about it being rigged. According to your own admission, you don’t think you deserve it.
Hey Pete, I notice you’re not nominated for a Logie…again. How does that make you feel?
And finally, a question for you, Rove, in the hope that it will get you to reply to me. Since you’re taking your mum to the Logies (man, so many jokes there that I just don’t have time to get in to), can you say hi to her for me?
Ps – I haven’t forgotten about the Fuglies, so don’t worry, I’ll get there.
Apr. 26th, 2007
Happy ANZAC day and all that. I hope you got real pissed and disgraced yourself (as seems to be the trend). I had to work, which sucked balls…until I got my pay cheque. Does it annoy the shit out of you when people spell it “check” instead of “cheque”? It annoys the shit out of me. I’m like, “Fuck you moron. The English language wasn’t created from the best of every other language in a vain attempt to take over the world with a universal language that only the Brits could understand just so you could shit all over it, you fucking jerk. Man, I do love the word “jerk” though. It doesn’t get used enough any more. Neither does fanny. I’ve even seen banks spelling it ‘check.’ I get so pissed off that I march right out of there and rob some other bank instead! Usually around this time of year, I read ‘The One Day of the Year’ by Alan Seymour. I reckon this year I’ll just get the podcast though. I mean, that’s what you do these days, isn’t it? I use to just stream mp3s of radio shows and what not, but fuck that. That’s soooooooo early 00’s. We’re living in the not to distant present now, where we have VJ’s, podcasts, vodcasts and seven versions of the same bullshit show in seven different cities or seven different types of criminal investigation! Come up with a new idea for a television show, for fucks sake! I’ve come up with like three just in my emails. That doesn’t even include my shadow-puppet theatre. I can do the best falling rock, ever. Period.
Hey, so one of my readers got attacked by Jason Byrne on stage not too long back. Wanna hear about it? Well fuck you, I’m gonna tell you anyway (I swear, this would be a fuckload more interesting if everyone reading this could also hear the audio commentary that goes on in my head while I type it. Like the special features on a DVD or something). Anyway, ‘Handsintheair’ (wicked name by the way. You can tell that the majority of LiveJournal users were 12 when they first got their LiveJournal. Except for me, I was awesome when I got mine. Also, not twelve). Anyway, aside from the lame-as-fuck user name of ‘handsintheair,’ she is actually pretty cool. Like, I can think of at least one time that I have read her comments. For the life of me, I don’t know why I am ragging on her; she’s a loyal reader and seems to be fairly cool. So, anyway, here’s the story:
He had all these giant pictures, and he had me and a guy on stage and he flicked through them, and if there was a kangaroo we had to yell "ROO!" and if there were multiple, "ROOS", and if it wasn't a kangaroo at all "THAT'S NOT A ROO" - and you got a point if you were the first one to yell "that's not a roo". It was both ridiculous and hilarious. He dragged a couch across the stage and made me sit on it for the game because I'm a girl and shouldn't have to stand apparently. It was supposed to take like five minutes, but we were up there for about fifteen while he cracked jokes about us. It was the best.
That’s pretty cool. I’ve never seen the bastard live, but unlike you, it appears that when he yells, he actually is being funny, not just yelling to make it funny like you do. Do you see the difference? Funny man, funny material, yells it, people laugh. Short retard, shithouse material, yells it, people die. How the fuck do you keep getting nominated for the Gold Logie? It’s fucking ridiculous! How did you even get nominated for the Gold Logie this year? Don’t you have to actually BE on TV to get nominated for those things! It’s bullshit, you took an extended holiday and still expect to be given a gold door-stop. It’s beyond me, Rove. Fucking beyond me. Anyway, thanks for the reader submission, handsintheair, I’m sorry I poo-smeared you. Heh ‘poo-smeared’, it conjures such awesome images. Reckon I’ll use that one again some time soon. Let’s see what other people submitted this week:
Archilles Marvin is offering me Viagra, Cialis, Vallium, Xanax, Ambien and Soma for cheap. How did Archilles know that I have severe erectile dysfunction which requires two different types of meds to take care of, I’m so depressed that I need two kinds of highly addictive anti-depressants, severe insomnia, and some drug named after a fictional drug from a book, or some indo-Iranian traditional beverage.
Why I told you about my spam, I have no idea. Maybe it’s because all the real emails are just offers of sexual favours…maybe, but it’s probably not.
Okay, so anyway, on to your guests. Oh my god, get fucked, Missy Higgins. You’re the worst thing Triple J has unearthed since Killing Heidi. I’m so sick of your single word named songs. Fuck we get it, you’re depressed and no one loves you. Fuck off already. You’re the worst kind of emo – on the radio. I’m so sick of your god-damned songs of woe about guys that dumped you. Here’s a newsflash: EVERYONE GETS DUMPED, YOU SLAG! Maybe people keep dumping you because you’re such a wingy runt! Every time you release a song you make me die a little inside. You’re famous, you’re hot, you’re probably loaded and your rack isn’t that bad either. I’m sure you have other traits too, but I don’t care. Instead, I’ve decided to write you off.
Hey, it’s Adam Hills. It’s always annoying when quality guests come on your show, since I have such fun ripping total strangers to shreds. Although, I guess it probably wouldn’t do me any harm to be nice to people every now and again. But I do have to say that Adam Hills is a fucking champion through and through. I don’t think I have a bad word to say about Adam. Gotta love Spicks and Specks. I thought it would be wearing thin by now, but nope, it’s still as awesome as ever. I seem to remember hearing something about Adam and the Logies. Hosting? Something, I don’t know. I have to keep reminding myself that comedy isn’t like the music industry, and being on shows like that isn’t selling out. It’s earning a living. Still, it’d be awesome if he took the opportunity to tear them a new one. Still, I like to see someone fly off the handle at every opportunity possible, that’s just who I am.
What is Joel Edgerton pimping? He is in some show called ‘Dangerous’ that I haven’t heard of. I assume it is some FOXTEL thing, but I have no idea because I don’t have FOXTEL. I barely have internet. Maybe it is ‘Whisper’, some English movie he was in. I dunno, I got bored reading about that one. The last role I saw him in where he really kicked arse was ‘The Hard Word’ with Guy Pierce. Fuck that movie rocked! With the exception of him hooking up with that lady who turned out to be his mum. I mean, to be totally honest, it got me a little hot under the collar. Then I realised it was incest. But then I realised it wasn’t my mum, so then I was back to hot under the collar. So yeah, I’m really not sure what he is pimping, but if it has Joel in it, it is probably good. He was even good in The Secret Life of Us. Remember Steve Curry’s role in that? Fuck he was a bogan. What a short lived stint on Australian soap. That was the final season, I think, wasn’t it? It was on Channel 10, so I assume you know. Actually, I also assume that because of that you only watch Channel 10. I also reckon that they have television sets all over the place at channel 10 and they are all tuned to awful television. Half of them are probably a live stream of the Big Brother house so you can watch 15 strangers sleep when ever you feel like it. They aren’t having the Uncut show anymore are they? I guess half the reason for the whole series is gone now. I guess there is no chance of watching anyone masturbate live in the house anymore. I’ve not actually seen this, but I assume you have, you sick bastard. God damn poor smearers!
Hey Pete, Do you and Dave have pissing contests in the toilet backstage of the Rove set? Does he kick your arse all up and down the urinal? I bet he does.
Finally, Rove, in the wake of all this ‘1st Anniversary of the Beaconsfield Mining Disaster’ fiasco, with everyone looking back at where Brant and Todd are now, I can’t help but wonder, what the fuck ever happened to Stuart Diver?
Apr. 20th, 2007
First up, real sorry this is coming to you on a Friday. I tried to write this yesterday, but my internet was down. So I went to the pub instead. I love days off. Although, I have to work tomorrow, which is retarded. So yeah, that’s why this is coming to you late. Man, that guy from Idol with the massive afro is on Kerry-Anne’s show. Holy shit, his jaw is huge. Fucking look at him. That mouth is massive. I bet he can put his fist in his mouth with relative ease.
Okay, so, it’s that time of year again and Big Brother is starting. I’m so sad. I can’t believe people are still interested in this show. It’s so boring. A bunch of bogans go in to a house, get pissed and slap each other around with their testicles. I mean, turns out that really worked in Camilla’s favour. I now have to put up with her every morning at work. God damn radio. Remember in the American one how that dude put a knife to some chick’s neck? That’s television! The best we had was a sexual assault and some chick fell out of the spa when that arse-shaking-fatty was on the show. This seriously has to be one of the most forgettable shows on television. This is what, series 7? They’ve sent about 15 people in to the house each season, so that’s like 90 people that have gone through the house. Of them, only about 5 or 6 have remained in the public eye. Wes is on totally wild, Fitsy? Fryzie? Something like that and Bree (remember her, she wouldn’t get naked in the house, but then she thought she was going to be evicted, so she pulled her cans out “by accident”) host some show which has something to do with Big Brother and ruining my Friday nights, I’ve already mentioned Camilla. That’s actually about all I can remember. Those people are all fucking retarded. With the possible exception of Wes. He’s pretty cool. Still, why anyone would like to watch these people 6 nights a week and have some say in their share accommodations arrangements by way of phone is beyond me. And then there’s Gretel. And we all know how much I like that whore.
So I was watching Letterman the other night, and it was the day before his 60th birthday and I couldn’t help but think about how long he has been on TV for. Then I thought, “Thank god Rove won’t last that long.” Then, I was watching again a couple of nights later and Avril was on. Oh my god, what a whore. Why am I not surprised that she married that wanker from Sum41? I’m actually happy with that arrangement to be honest. I’m a big fan of rounding up second class citizens and putting them all together in the same area, like in a camp or something. Actually, re-reading that, I’d like to have another crack at what I am trying to say, because that sounds a lot like I think the Jewish concentration camps were wicked. Which is not the case. What I am trying to say is that the more these fuckwits get together, the less everyone else has to put up with them…but then they will have concentrated fuckwit-children. But that’s ok too, because kids get hit by cars all the time. So anyway, Avril was singing her new song about trying to be some dude’s girlfriend (what a slut). It was just awful. Then she was talking to Letterman and she just wouldn’t fucking stop touching her hair. It reminded me of all the emos in the valley. If you’re wiping your hair out of your face because it is annoying you, actually fucking move it! Don’t trace around it and then repeat five seconds later. I was getting so pissed of watching Avril do that while Letterman stroked her ego. I wanted to throw something at the TV, but I’d already put the cat to bed! Oh, and the dumb whore doesn’t even have enough moves to fill a three and a half minute song! She has like four moves and then sounds the rest of the time bopping on the spot, as if she is twelve. Fucking whore. Most Canadians are cool – because they have an American accent, but actually know what they are talking about. Avril’s not though, watching her is like eating glass.
Man, your line up this week is so bad I don’t even want to talk about any of them – except for Mark Watson. He’s quite funny. He’s been on TV a lot this week. By a lot, I mean twice. The Comedy Gala and Spicks and Specks. I’d not seen him before, but I was quite impressed. Not as cool as Jason Byrne though. I love him. He’s so crazy. My girlfriend doesn’t like him though. He was on Spicks and Specks too. He was quite good. Although, I like him more when he has some poor guy up on stage and he’s swearing at him. Good times. Anyway, this time of year is usually pretty cool for TV because all the comedians are in town to make good shows better, or in your case, awful shows slightly less awful for five minutes. Oh, I was quite surprised that Wil’s material wasn’t very old as well. I think I’d only heard one or two jokes before. Speaking of old jokes, open mic night was on at the pub, and the MC was a guy that I’ve did some gigs with back when I was trying my hand at comedy. I never liked this guy; I thought he was a fuckhead. Anyway, it’s been like two years or something since I have been on stage. This guy is still telling the same jokes he was telling when I was gigging with him. It’s like fuck man! You’re here every Thursday night, there’s a fair chance that everyone in this room has heard your set before. Get some new material! I should get some new material and get back in the game. It’s been too long and I need an excuse to go to pubs and drink during the week.
Hey, have you heard of that footballer called Fuifui Moimoi? What a hilarious name! I was watching the news last night and they started talking about him. Where the hell is he from to have a name like that? It’s awesome. Pity his hair makes him look like a wanker though.
I’m not going to talk about Pink, because this is like her fourth or fifth time on your show and she’s actually quite boring. It’s kind of hard to have any new material about her since she doesn’t do anything, ever, except trick girls in to thinking that by listening to her music, they’ll become empowered and take over the world, or something. I just don’t know though. Oh, I will say this though, that song of hers, I don’t know what it’s called, but I’m sure it has a name. Anyway, the lyrics go, “I’m not here for your entertainment.” Now, I hear this everyday at work – ‘U and ur Hand.’ That’s what it’s called. Apparently Avril and Pink had the same English teacher – There is no ‘I’ in ‘boy’ you fucking retard! How someone loves you, Avril, I’ll never understand. Anyway, So, I hear this shit at work everyday and I get very angry because Pink (I still refuse to use an exclamation mark as an I, by the way) works in a bustling little industry known as the ‘Entertainment Industry.’ Now, maybe it’s just me…but if you work in the entertainment industry, I dare say that where ever you are and what ever you are doing, YOU’RE THERE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT YOU FUCKING WHORE! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO, IT’S YOUR JOB AND YOU SUCK AT IT BECAUSE I’M NOT ENTERTAINED, I’M BORED! Fuck, I didn’t mean to talk about her. Anyone with an exclamation mark in their name isn’t worth knowing (except me. I’m awesome).
So one of my friends went and saw Wilco the other night (don’t worry, I’ve already stopped talking to her). She sends me a message that says, “So it turns out I’m standing next to Bernard Fanning.” So I sent one back saying (and I do apologise for the use of this word, but it was highly appropriate) “Say this: the person who just sent me a message thinks that you’re a cunt.” He said “thanks.” Then, about five minutes later, she sent me another message that said, “Now I’m standing next to Glenn Richards. Do you have a message for him?” Glen is of course the front man for Augie March (we’re so close that I can call him by his first name. According to Charles Firth’s book, using someone’s first name gives the impression that you know them and therefore know what you’re talking about. Of course though, neither Charles, nor myself actually have any idea what is going on, ever). I sent one back saying, “Tell him that I just called Bernard a cunt.” She didn’t though; she went to the toilet instead. God damn pisshead. I felt a little bit bad for a few days, because I hadn’t heard Powderfinger’s new song. Then I heard it on the way home yesterday and breathed a sigh of relief…because its shit and Bernie’s a cunt.
Instead of talking about Merrick and Rosso and Guy Sebastian I think I’m going to wrap this up. Why? Because they’re old hat. I don’t know if you know this, but one of my loyal readers went to school with Guy (see, it’s totally working, maybe Charles is on to something). Anyway, this guy went to school with Guy (if it wasn’t for the capitalisation, that sentence would have made no sense!) Anyway, after I give him a pound of shit last time he was on your show, this fella (now I know who I am talking about. Fucking Guy’s (capital) parents. Naming their kid a generic term for a boy. Retards). This fella came rushing to Guy’s defence and told me that he works really hard and he tries hard and is very talented. I can’t remember what I said in return…but Guy is in love with some hooker who rides an elevator! What the fuck is that song about? It’s just awful. As for Merrick and Rosso, are they even on the radio anymore? I can’t even check. I broke my car radio. The volume knob broke off one when I had it turned up really loud. That was fucking annoying. I got it lowered now with some make shift control that barely works, so I won’t fix. Also, my car battery died when I left my lights on (I’m a member of RACQ though, so that was the only four letter word I needed). When the guy gave me a jump, it wiped my radio, so it didn’t remember any stations anymore. After programming Triple J, I got over it and now that’s all I have.
Now we might as well take a reader’s submission. This is what someone who reads this had to say about you this week:
It’s blank because there were no submissions this week. Brad.firstname.lastname@example.org if you’re keen. If you want to rant about Rove or ask a question, send it there. If you want to complain to me about my email, fuck off. What are you doing still reading if you don’t like it? And you tell me to get a life. Moron.
Hey Pete, did you feel like you deserved to MC the Comedy Gala? I only ask because you weren’t very funny. Also, I had a dream the other night that I saw you at the shops. I yelled out, “Hey Pete, I’m the guy that sends Rove hate mail!” And you said, “Oh, is that you? You’re a fucking arsehole!” Then I got on my motorbike, and I’m not sure, but I think I rode off in to the sky.
As I like to now, I’ll end with a question so that you feel obligated to reply.
I’ve had this cough for about five weeks now and I cough up a mouth full of phlegm two or three times a day. Do you think I should go and see a doctor?
Apr. 12th, 2007
11:23 pm - Thank God You're Here US+Gretel Killeen+Reader's Question+John Butler Trio+Red Hot Chilli Peppers
How the fuck are you? I’m full. It was taco night. Usually Taco Night in either on Monday or Tuesday, but not this week. There was no real reason for the change though, it just happened. What did you have for dinner? Did you watch ‘Missing Persons Unit’? Fuck that show sucks. Some dude fucked off and left his invalid wife and kids. He withdrew $2000 from the bank which was for some medical stuff for his wife, bought some camping equipment and now he’s gone. They were like, “We don’t know why he’s gone. Why would he do that?” And I was like, “he has kids and an invalid wife. Why didn’t he do it sooner?” And next week, some wife puts an ad in the paper for a tough truck driver, and then leaves her husband and toddler children with someone. That’s just fucking hilarious.
Did you here that ‘Thank God You’re Here’ has started in America? It’s the exact same concept. Even down to the judge who sits in the crowd, says retarded things and is completely useless. Although, to America’s credit, this guy (unlike his Australian counterpart) doesn’t give “dishonourable mentions” for things that were tied to the scenario, rather than things that comedian said or did. (If you haven’t guessed by now, I saw the US premier). I have a giant satellite dish on top of my house that picks up everything. If I had of been alive, I probably would have been able to pick up the moon landing live…all the way from Hollywood, California. Or was it Hollywoodland back then? I don’t know, or care because I made all of that up. I don’t have a satellite dish. I don’t even have a casserole dish. The moon landing was fake though, I wasn’t lying about that. Anyway, the US version isn’t too bad. Remember ‘Malcolm in the Middle’? Well, Malcolm’s dad was on. He made out with two of the chicks in his scenario. He was really, really good. The fat wanker from ‘Seinfeld’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ was on. He was a wanker. In one scene, his antenna (don’t ask, it was his costume) fell off, so he was like, “I can’t see!” and I was hoping that a bus would tear on stage and he wouldn’t be able to see it coming. Unfortunately, they don’t have a massive budget either. That was the ‘all in challenge.’ The fat wanker’s own scene was a direct rip from the Aus version. Remember when Akmal was selling medication on some talk show and it had his picture on it and it wasn’t very good – yeah – that one. They stole that. All in all, I thought it wasn’t too bad. I’d give it 9 out of 13.5.
I have creative copyright on that scale, by the way. If anyone else uses that (especially you) I either want a cheque with five zeros, or I’ll sue the pants off you. Like literally, I will sue you for your pants. We’ll be in court and the judge will ask what damages I am seeking and my QC (because in this fantasy I can afford a QC) will stand up and say, “The plaintiff is seeking the pants the defendant is wearing today as damages.” And if you decide to fuck me over by wearing shit pants, I’ll ask for all of your pants.
Anyway, on to your Sunday night shitfest. Oh fuck, it’s Gretel Killeen. As my girlfriend said, “She has to be at least 50 by now.” I mean, she’s got to be getting close. In which case, maybe it’s time she quit dressing like a teenager. I know that all you TV personalities are so retarded that you have to get someone else to dress you, but you must have some input. Seriously. Get it? Channel 10 – “Seriously.” Ohh, so funny. Anyway, Gretel is a fucking whore. “I’m use to people trying to bamboozle me!” Who the fuck says that anymore? World War II is over and everyone agrees that it’s just swell, so maybe it’s time to stop talking like it’s still the 40s. Mole. If Big Brother really wanted to get more viewers, the house would be filled with bogans (I know, it already is, but I’m going somewhere with this) who recently had the power to their trailers shut off by Gretel and instead of getting a bed to sleep on, they’d get a 2x4 and Gretel would have to insult them about their parents being related. The rest of the script would write itself. I’d watch that. Fuck that show is seriously about Bogans moving in to a share house and watching them destroy all the expensive furniture. Do you think Gretel’s kids are proud of their mum? Like, at those ‘bring your parents to school days’ that are always happening in America, do you reckon their kids intentionally lose the note so Gretel doesn’t come to school and talk about what she does? Or do you think they’re proud and they walk around the school going, “My mum’s a cheap whore on TV!”? Personally, I don’t know…but if she were my mum, I’d be glad that my mum ran away when I was seven. Oh, and by the way, get fucked, that’s not why I’m so angry. Just because you’ve heard of Freud doesn’t mean you know anything. In fact, referencing him only highlights your ignorance, ‘tard.
Just a side note here. Your webpage (which is hosting by Channel 10 because your show is too poor to keep financing it’s own webpage) has a note about last week. On that, you refer to Rose Byrne as “Australia’s next big thing.” What the fuck? Staring opposite Eric Bana and Brad Pitt isn’t a “big thing”? You’re fucking retarded. She’s not new, she’s been making awesome and big movies for years. Get a clue. Next you’ll be telling me about the ‘young talent’ of Naomi Watts as if ‘Mulholland Drive’ was nothing special (hey, fuck you! Just because I didn’t get it doesn’t mean it wasn’t really, really, really, fucking good. Fuckin’ blue box – WHAT ARE YOU?)
Now seems like as good a time as any for a Reader’s Question. So, without any a due, here it is:
“While I thought you were brilliant on Good News Week, do you have an explanation for why you became so bland when on your own?”
Good question. I’m sad to say that I was a little young for ‘Good News Week.’ My dad use to watch it…but I was like twelve. Then I did get in to it and like every other good show on ABC, Channel 10 bought it, killed it, changed its name and flogged a dead horse. I never saw you on GNW, but once, I saw the lowlights of the ‘Australian Idol’ tryouts…so I think I know about how awful it would have been.
Man, I think I am the only person who doesn’t like The John Butler Trio. I’ve said this before – last time they were on. Although I think they make fucking awful music, they, particularly John, are fucking amazing musicians. They just apply their talent in the most fucked way. “Ohh, check us out, we care about the old growth forests of wherever.” No one cares, John. I care about the old growth forests of wherever too. The difference is that if I go to a protest and climb a tree, I don’t take my guitar and I certainly don’t dominate the media coverage of said protest. If I go to a protest, this is what is said, “a small group of people were protesting…blah, blah, blah.” If you’re there, here is how it is reported, “John Butler climbed a tree and played his guitar…I think there was a protest somewhere as well.” Media whore. You’re a multiple award winning ARIA artist with multi-platinum albums. Why do you still dress like a butler? The least you could do is make it look like you’ve taken a shower.
Great, it’s the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Oh, my, god. Fucking die already. I’ve got nothing against old rockers still rocking. Don’t get me wrong there, that’s cool. If you make good music, fuck man, make it. Don’t forget though – it’s true what they say, “no coke, no soul.” I don’t know who says that, but someone does. Maybe it was Brian from ‘Family Guy.’ Interesting side note – ‘Family Guy’ is just starting. The two greatest things Flea from RHCP has ever done with his career are:
1) The 80s punk fest, ‘Suburbia.’ Fuck me, that movie rocked. Except when the baby got eaten by the wild dogs in the phone booth.
2) ‘Back to the Future.’ Oh yeah, he was in that. Needles was the man!
Notice how neither of those things had anything to do with music? Except that the first one was about a music based subculture…aside from that, nothing to do with music! Anyway, why the fuck is Flea playing drums in the film clip for their new song (I think it’s something about bopping, or something else of significant substance)? He plays bass. He plays it pretty fucking well too. Here’s a little game everyone can play at home. Go and get your friend’s pirated copy of RHCP’s first album (I say “your friends” because you wouldn’t be retarded enough to own it and I say “pirated copy” because I assume that you wouldn’t be friends with anyone with so little self respect that they would actually pay for a RHCP’s album). Okay, now, go and get a different friend’s/stranger’s pirated copy of their latest album (I say “different friend’s/stranger’s” because I assume that either your original friend learnt their lesson the first time and stopped listening to RHCP or, they didn’t and you’re now no longer friends with them and therefore, have to find a stranger and borrow there’s). Fuck, what a massive side point. Anyway, now that you have those albums, listen to them both in order and notice just how fucking different they are. It’s almost a different band. I mean, fuck, sell out some more. Get Britney to do back up vocals or something. She shaved her head, now she’s about as tufff as you guys are. That’s right – tufff with three f’s.
Hey Pete, since Hamish and Andy have become conjoined in the futile effort of raising your ratings, are you worried that you’re still fatter than them?
And finally, Rove, your weekly question: Since the big brother website isn’t just ‘bigbrother.com.au’ do you think that Gretel is going to look like an idiot all year again because she can’t read? I mean, I assume she can’t read on account of the fact she has an auto-cue and still manages to fuck up any sentence with more than four words.
Apr. 5th, 2007
Well, how was the first show? Since no one has spoken about it, I can only assume that it was fucking awful. Was Silverchair your only guest? I only ask because Channel 10 didn’t advertise anyone except them and I haven’t seen any ads with “highlights” from the show of other guests who would really love to be anywhere else. I guess that Silverchair’s “rare live performance” wasn’t as much of a ratings winner as you were hoping. Firstly, it was your first show of 2007(never mind the fact that you started on the eve of Easter non-ratings for the moment), you had one of Australia’s most well known, well established pop acts of my generations’ time and you advertised more (and worse) than my grade 8 girlfriend did when she went away for a weekend and cheated on me at least two times (what a whore). Grade 8, damnit! And I’m not talking just kissing either…even though that’s all I thought girls and boys did, like full on stuff! Then, she told like all my friends when she got back and they’re all like, “damn, BRAD! that sucks” and I was like, “what sucks?” and they were like, “apparently your girlfriend.” Then I went and asked her and apparently she did suck and was quite proud of it. Stupid bitch. But that’s neither here, nor there. I was making a point though. Hold on while I re-read this to see where I was going. Oh, ok, got it. First show back, massive band, huge ad campaign; how did you go in the ratings? Ohhhh, lost out to Channel 9. CSI beat you with 1.138 million viewers. I was one of those viewers. Guess what, I was right. Someone died right at the start, there were two suspects, neither of them did it, and it was that other guy in the background. Fuck I rock. With a story line that predictable, it still managed to beat you. Do you ever watch CSI? I think it’s really funny how they have to explain everything to each other. They’re like, “the shooter was at an elevated level.”
“How do you know that, Grishom?”
“Well, the angle of the blood splatter suggests that the bullet exited at this angle, and therefore, must have been shot from somewhere between the second and fourth level”
And the other dude is like “wow, my man-crush is totally founded.”
As if the other person in the scene is so awful at their job that they have to have everything explained to them like they are children.
Damnit, I totally forgot the Easter break was coming up. Has it started already? Or does it start today? You might remember that I run a competition at this time of year. It’s a tipping competition. We bet on the National Easter Road Toll. I think I still have time. Some people think it is immoral. But I don’t care; I think some people are wankers anyway. I can’t remember who won, but I remember that it wasn’t me.
Anyway, I should probably have a look at your show coming up on Sunday. Oh man, fucking Beyonce. Man, I hate this slut. Have you noticed how every time you see her these days, she’s whiter? Seriously, check out some photos from her Destiny’s Child days and check her out now. Why can’t black people just be black? I mean, I guess sometimes it’s kind of unavoidable – like when there is an explosion on the set of a Pepsi commercial and your face catches on fire. Then, a few years later, Bubbles, your pet monkey mauls you. Aside from that though, why do these sluts try to make themselves pasty when every white person is trying to be darker? People are crazy. Oh, and since we’re talking about this whore, we might as well mention ‘Dream Girls.’ What a steaming pile of shit that looked like. My girlfriend saw it with her grandma because I wouldn’t see it with her. It looked ridiculous. A bunch of bitches on stage singing while Jamie Foxx steals the lime light and Eddie Murphy gets screwed at the Oscars. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he deserved an Oscar, I just thought it was funny when I heard the reports that he stormed out when he didn’t get one. What a lamer! I mean, could you be more of a knob? Then again, he’d want to make sure that he has as much money as possible. Raising children isn’t cheap these days. Back in my dad’s day, parents just use to throw scraps at children and if the dog got there first it was just tough luck…also, there was a war and I think everyone died – at least, that’s what I pick up from the stories my dad tells me. Also, he threw a rock at an Esso sign and it exploded and he got covered in glass. Then, three days later, without even asking if he did it, my grandad asked him if he had paid for it yet. Dad said no. Then he got a flogging. And in my granddad’s day, everyone had small pox or polio, I think everyone died again, there was a war and they lived on food stamps – which they used to make cookies to send to the front. We’ve never had it so easy, apparently. This has nothing to do with Beyonce though; she’s a whore even without my grandfather’s help. She has to be – he’s dead. I also thought it was pretty funny when everyone fell in love with the chick from American Idol and how great she was and Beyonce was like, “I was in the movie too” and they were all rambling on about how phenomenal she is after such a short time. Beyonce was like, “I’m in the movie too.” And they’re like, “man, this girls career is going to skyrocket. Imagine starting out in a movie with Jamie Foxx and Eddie ‘I find myself funnier than anyone else’ Murphy.” And Beyonce is like, “…And Beyonce, because…I’m in the movie too.” But nobody cares, Beyonce. Nobody cares at all. Why don’t you go back and reform Destiny’s Child? Those other girls are struggling; and let’s face it; girl groups weren’t 90’s or anything, they’ll be back. ‘Take That’ reformed – why can’t you?
Josh Pyke is on…but nobody cared.
Aww, it’s Rose Byrne. How sexy was she in ‘Two Hands’? Very. Very sexy. What is she pimping while she is back home? She has a lot going on at the moment. I think ‘Sunshine’ is the only thing that is ready for release at the moment, so it is probably that. But before we get there, let’s talk about ’28 Weeks Later.’ This is of course, the sequel to ’28 Days Later.’ Danny Boyle however, has nothing to do with this. He is busy in space (seriously). America rocks up to Britain to start life again or something. I don’t know exactly, but the first one was good. I’m sure that when the Americans start trying to fix stuff something goes wrong and the zombies come out and eat people and stuff like that. How cool was that scene in the first one – all of England totally empty and like the first 25 minutes or something was silent. That was cool. Then everyone started to die. But anyway, on to ‘Sunshine.’ As I mentioned before, Danny Boyle is in space…and this is what he is doing there. So, the sun is dying, so Earth is dying, so humans are dying. Boring. This movie actually looks a lot like ‘Event Horizon.’ You know that one where Sam Neil goes nuts and starts killing everyone on board the space ship? That one. Fuck that was a cool movie. Don’t get me wrong, I have high hopes because I even liked parts of ‘The Beach.’ So, with a bit of luck, this might even be tolerable. Although, then again, blockbusters aren’t really Boyle’s specialty. Small art films are. Hrmm, it seems that Alex Garland, the writer of ‘Sunshine’ was also the writer of ’28 Days Later’ and is the executive producer of ’28 Weeks Later.’ Perhaps this could be interesting. I guess we will have to wait and see. Good writer, awesome director, Australian hottie…this might even be good. It isn’t like me to reserve judgement, but I’ll let you know what I think once I’ve seen it…if I get to see it, I still haven’t seen ‘Rocky Balboa.’
Now, I think we will take some time out to have a look at a couple of reader’s questions:
“You need to get laid” – pumpkinpnts
That’s not really a question and it’s not directed at Rove. Moron. I guess I’ll field it anyway. Yeah, I need to get laid – that’s why I send hate mail to Rove every week. It couldn’t possibly because he is fucking awful and there are at least 100 people that would be better at hosting a variety show (including myself, David Mott, if you’re reading) and people keep throwing Logies at him, despite his ineptitude. So if I have to put up with his shit, he has to put up with mine. Honestly, why would getting laid stop me from sending this shit? You fucking jerk. After you get laid, do you just veg out on the couch and let every worry in the world pass you by? I don’t. I go to sleep, and then when I wake up, I remember how much I hate Rove and punch small children on my way to work.
Oh, and by the way, nice user name, jerk.
This is fun, let’s take another.
“Christ you’re an idiot
The previous was right, you need ‘a life’
(-but I have a girl friend?!) [SIC]” – Anonymous
What the fuck was that? No one mentioned me need a life, you dumb moron. Once again, this isn’t directed at Rove, you people suck. I assume your girlfriend comment is the response you anticipated me to give in return to your sensational and highly original comment. That or you’re more retarded than I gave you credit for and you believe that I won’t take you down a couple of pegs because you have a girlfriend…which is probably right, but fuck I’d steam the shit on her. How does having a girlfriend mean that I have a life? It just means there is someone out there more pathetic than me, you silly twat. I hope your death is slow and painful…and has something to do with your colon exploding.
Also, I think that everyone should stand back and admire your courage to post anonymously so that I can’t insult you in front of your friends.
Now, to everyone else, questions for Rove should be directed at Rove, not me. I’m not Rove; I’m the guy who hates him. Send them to email@example.com. I’ll probably work out prizes during the season, but at the moment, all I can promise you is a handful of my own semen…and I’m reluctant to hand that out because I know what you crazies are like and I don’t want to be blamed if you stick it in a turkey baster and knock yourself up.
Finally, we have Danny Bhoy. Man he’s funny. And he that accent that just makes normal things funny. Cheating bastard. Do you think people like that are more or less popular in their own country? I saw him on ‘Spicks and Specks’ last night. Don’t worry though; I taped it while I watched ‘Heroes’ and I watched it after. Fuck, my arse is numb from this stupid chair. Also, my fists are clenched from watching Angelina Jolie in ‘Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow’ so it is pretty hard to type. Someone should kick that slut right in her box. Have your own child, you fucking bitch! You try to make everyone think that you care so much about the plight of the impoverished when really, you adopt because you don’t want to take time off from making movies and risk losing your figure by having your own kid, which could result in the loss of movie roles and therefore cash – not to mention the immediate loss of income. You money hungry whore. So instead, she heads down to the local orphanage in Africa and walks down the line like I did when I went to the RSPCA and picked my cat. Except the kids could possibly understand when she points out there flaws as reasons that she won’t adopt them. I imagine that would go like this: “AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, fat, AIDS, too old, AIDS, AIDS, awww, this one’s cute, oh wait, AIDS.” Getting back to Danny though, he was pretty good on ‘Spicks and Specks’ – better than normal. He even got some questions right. As for his new material…I haven’t seen it, so I wouldn’t know.
Hey Pete, now that Dave Hughes is joining the “winning team” are you worried that your job might be on the line once management realises everyone loves Dave more than you?
And finally, Rove, your weekly question: Since Delta got the cancer and then they threw seven ARIAs at her so they didn’t feel bad, do you think you’re a shoe in for the gold Logie?
Mar. 30th, 2007
10:28 am - Hate Mail Thursday + new sections + your ads + Ben Cussins + other ads + time slot + Silverchair
Well, where should I begin? So much has happened in the last few weeks that I just don’t know which corner I should start hurling the shit from. Ahh, I think I know where I should begin:
As you may have noticed, it isn’t Monday and yet, there is new hate mail. That’s because with a new season comes a new day. This will be the only hate mail Friday for the season hope. The usual day will be Thursday. So, I welcome you all to Hate Mail Thursday. For those of you who have been reading this for the last two years of so, you might be feeling a little nostalgic right now. I sure as shit am, because 5 years ago, after a particularly bad episode of Rove Live that I accidentally saw a few minutes of. I went to uni on Thursday and had a four hour break that needed filling. So, I decided that I would send you an email and let you know just how fucking awful your show was. And thus, Hate Mail Thursday was born. So, let me just say, “it’s good to be back”
What’s next? I don’t know if or what you have planned for the new season. But I plan on having some new sections in each week’s email. First off, there will be the ‘Reader Submission’ and the ‘Reader’s Question’ section. Heh, ‘question’ and ‘section’ rhyme. Each week, I will publish either a submission or a question for you that has been submitted to me by my readers (this is of course assuming that each week they submit some stuff). With a bit of luck, it will be angry and funny. Hopefully though, no bomb threats. I’d prefer it if my ASIO file stayed skinny. Submissions can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Okay, now on to the serious stuff. How fucking funny are your new ads? Those things are hilarious. Oh, the microphone is there, and then you walk up and it’s all a trick, the microphone is too high because you’re too short and it blocks your face. Oh, so funny. And then, walking down a catwalk and a bucket is there and you step in the bucket and keep walking and “it’s good to be back.” Oh, if those ads are anything to go by, this seasons emails are going to be full of content. What the shit were you thinking? Who wrote those ads? Do they still have jobs? For your sake, man, I hope whoever wrote those got fired. When you were making those ads, didn’t you realise that they were about as funny as telling people that you have new undies? A fucking bucket? You do realise that you aren’t a cartoon don’t you? I mean, I know that your body is so disproportionate that you might get confused sometimes and think that you are in a bad cartoon, but no, you’re not. You’re also not in a 1920s silent comedy. This means that standing in a bucket is not funny. The microphone being too high; isn’t funny. You know what would have been funny? Saying that you weren’t coming back and then hanging yourself.
Okay, time to ramble on about other things before I come back to how shit your show is. We might as well stay close to home for a while. Ben Cussins. Oh yeah. I know you love your AFL and Ben plays for your favourite team. You’re a celebrity, he’s a sporting celebrity. Can you see where I am going with this? The man has been suspended indefinitely from his club for “personal reasons.” Personal reasons which we now know (for certain – because we couldn’t tell before) mean “drug addiction.” Now, as far as I know, we haven’t found out what kind of drugs he is on, but I think we can be certain that you and him burn up together in your living room while you watch ‘Ren and Stimpy’ cartoons. I mean, I’ve had a source who claims to be close to you defend your cocaine use (without actually admitting that you use cocaine, but pretty strongly implied it). You’re ruining your own team, man! You should know better than to do drugs with a sports star. Of course, I have no proof to support my claim – but that’s never stopped me before. So, in sum, this is all your fault.
Have you ever actually sat down and watched one of those ads for cleaning products? Like, ‘Bam’ or ‘Shower Power’ or even ‘Pine O Clean’? Fuck those ads are disgusting. There’s a new one for Pledge. Some sort of dust removing product. The dumb slut on the ad says it is awesome because you can go straight from one surface to another, like glass to wood. Apparently this is good because (and I quote) “I’m a mum and I work fulltime. I don’t have time to change products!” That’s not quite direct, but it’s the point of what she is saying. What the fuck is wrong with that lady? Because she works full time and has kids, she is unable to take an extra seven seconds to change products! That’s just retarded. But, it’s not my biggest beef with these ads though. Have you ever noticed how fucking disgusting the people in these ads are? There toilets are more disgusting than public toilets and there sinks are worse than sinks in a crack house! These people have obviously never cleaned there house before in their lives. They’re raging on about how awesome the product is when it is plainly obvious that they have never used a cleaning product before! I bet prison toilets are cleaner than the toilets in these ads! You’d get sick from using their bathrooms! Fucking grubs. They should just drink the products they use and clean the gene pool.
And that brings us back to your show. You must be worried about your new time slot. I’m worried about mine because I have a lot to do on Thursdays. 8.30 on Sunday is pretty much THE timeslot. It’s one of the most competitive time slots throughout the week. How do you think your pile of steaming shit it going to compare? And what the fuck happened to Sunday Night Movies? That’s the worst thing about all of this! Why don’t any stations put movies on any more? Wankers. Anyway, let’s see what you are up against. First up, ‘CSI.’ The original (and the best). My girlfriend likes this quite a lot, I think it is the best in its genre, but its genre is still shit. I bet someone dies at the start of the episode. Then, there will be no suspects. Then they will discover some crucial DNA evidence and then there will be two suspects and two people who are helping with the investigation. Both of the suspects will have an alibi and then they will be without suspects. Then, they will discover more DNA and one of the two that was helping with the investigation will be arrested. And Grishom will probably impart some deep, philosophical message about the human condition which he learnt from studying bugs. Next, we have crap on both ABC and SBS – ‘The Chaser’s War’ is on if you have ABC2. And finally, your real competitor. ‘Greys Anatomy.’ Firstly, this show is fucking awful. I would rather induce vomiting than watch this shit. I’ve seen a bunch of ads and maybe 5 minutes of the show, so I’m not really speaking from a strong stance, but once again, when has that ever stopped me? Do they even do anything medical on that show? If I was a patient on that show, I would either get better, go home and realise that I didn’t really need to be in hospital because all the doctors did was gossip in front of me and I wasn’t even diagnosed, or I would actually be sick and I would die. This show is also responsible for Snow Patrol’s new found fame. Fuck, off I hate that ‘Chasing Cars’ shit. It wasn’t so awful until radio raped the shit out of it (and continues to rape the shit out of it). Oh my god, will Grey (I assume the main chick from ‘Old School’ is named Grey, but I don’t actually know – and if she is, her anatomy isn’t that great, I know this because she’s anorexic and I can see it) chose the doctor or the other doctor, who I later found out is a vet, so I am wondering what he is doing in a human hospital? Who cares, they’ll break up anyway if the show goes on long enough. Why is this show so popular? It’s fucking boring. It’s worse than that fast talking ‘Gilmore Girls.’ Damn, Rory was hot. Especially in ‘Sin City.’
I dunno, Rove, people seem to like a lot of things that are shit. They are saying that this is a big gamble because this is one of the most contested time slots on TV, but we just did a comparison. We have a crime show that rates fairly well, a show about doctors that don’t do anything doctor-ey and you. Although I love it when you fail, you really don’t have a shit load of competition. Also, with the strong lead up of ‘Thank god you’re here’ and ‘The Biggest Loser’ (which I still fucking hate – LOSING 10kg IN A WEEK INS’T NATURAL! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!) you might just be alright. I’ll be keeping an eye on the figures in the hope that you fall on your face.
Your website and your TV ads are reluctant to tell us which “big guests” (I use inverted commas because usually your guests are wankers) are going to be on your show on Sunday. Could it be that being a Sunday you are finding it hard to get guests? Or that you don’t have any worth saying out loud? There is only one guest that I have been able to find out about. It is of course, your musical guests. And who would they be? Silverchair. Giving a “rare” live performance. Now, I’m sure you and everyone reading at home is wondering “does BRAD! like Silverchair?” Well, the simple answer is no. Of course I don’t, you ‘tards. How could a band that supported Nirvana be so shit? They started out so promising. They even had three or four good songs. But then something happened and they turned it to wankers. Now we have to put up with this bullshit feel good music that gets played on every commercial radio station in the country. I’ve heard a few songs off the new album so far and they all have a common theme: being shit. I don’t even k now the name of their first single, all I know is that it is awful and I have to hear it three or four times a day while I am at work! Fuck off, it is awful. Silverchair is truly a story of three friends who became wankers. They supported Nirvana one night, went home, got some sleep, got up in the morning, went to school the next day and did their HSC (why they bothered going back to school after supporting Nirvana, I have no idea, but they did). How could a band that started out in such a rock ‘n’ roll way end up singing out fairies, or whatever they are singing about now. We probably shouldn’t even get in to the Dissociatives because I’ll probably get so angry that I’ll bash my girlfriend and my cat.
Hey Pete, are you coming back this season, or have you woken up to yourself?
And finally, in the hope of getting you to reply, I am going to finish each email with a question, in the hope that you reply. We’ll start with an easy one today.
When you are reading the script that the writers give you, do you often say out loud, “damn! Do I actually have to say this on TV?”
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