Dear Rove. . .

06:06 pm - Farewell + New Blog

Dear Rove,
It has sure been a long time hasn’t it? A lot has changed since I last emailed you. Most notably being that I no longer own a television. It took a while, but I have heard that there is no more Rove Live. Is this true? That’s amazing.

It’s a hollow victory really. If only I had continued to write I could have claimed victory. Sadly, this has not been through my will. It has been the collective will of the nation. So, thank you, Nation. It took some time, but you eventually came round to my way of thinking.

If you, or indeed anyone else, is interested, I have started a new project. It can be found at http://bradsworld.wordpress.com. I’ve widened my scope and am taking on more than one opponent at a time. It’s still in its infancy, but I hope that with support if will grow to be as successful as Dear Rove once was.

I’d also like to take the time to thank every body who read and commented on Dear Rove. It was a lot of fun to do each week and I appreciated every comment I received. Even the negative comments…especially the negative comments.

So thank you to everyone, Rove, thanks for going away.
Sincerely,
BRAD!

Ps – How’s the unemployment line, Pete?

01:59 pm - Umm...So, I'm not dead.

Dear EVERYONE,
Sorry it has been so long since I updated. Firstly, let me just make sure that everyone is aware that I am not dead. I am very much alive (unlike Live Journal). I could have sworn that I updated explaining that I was going to stop and why...but I cannot seem to see that anywhere.

Although, I gotta say, I am very impressed that in my absence, my readership has doubled! Gotta be impressed with that. It's kind of amusing that my popularity has increased since I stopped writing. Which is to say, I'm funnier when I do nothing.

I have seen a lot of ads for Rove recently and I gotta say, nothing has changed. He still isn't funny, he still has the same guests on an annual rotation and he still makes me throw things at my TV.

Perhaps it is time I took up my crusade again? I read a lot of replies that people were beginning to like Rove on account of the fact there is no one to remind him how much of a douche he is. That's sad. Anyone who thinks that should smack themselves. And not in the sexy, "oh yeah, I've been a bad girl, teach me a lesson" kind of way. In the "I've broken the expensive vase and now I'm going to get smacked with the iron" kind of smack.

So, I'll have a think about making a come back. Let me know what you think. If you're for it, post a reply to let me know. If you're against it, I suggest you avoid posting a reply because I often do things simply out of spite.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

10:20 pm - Logies + Your Mum's + Michael Weatherly + Eskimo Joe + Eric Bana

Dear Rove,

How did you pull up after the Logies?  I pulled up just fine on account of the fact that I didn’t watch them.  Apart from the start where Adam Hills took Naomi Robson down a couple of pegs and Dave told Kyle Sandilands pretty much what the rest of the nation was thinking.  Good on ‘em.  Not enough people in this world telling it how it is.  I like to tell it how it is.  That’s why when my friends introduce me to other friends; they always give a disclaimer about me being a bastard.  I shouldn’t really see that as a good thing, but I do.

How the fuck do you keep taking out the award for ‘best light entertainment’?  It’s seriously rigged.  Did you see on Today Tonight or A Current Affair…probably TT since ACA is on Channel 9.  Anyway, they pretty much said that the Logies were a joke because the ballots are secret and the whole thing is run by PBL.  It’s a bit of a good point, but then again, I’ve always thought that if you get your opinions from TT and ACA you’re a fucking moron and probably not worth talking to.  What do you reckon?  Do any of your friends get their ideas from ACA?  I always find it amusing when they do those stories on “ordinary people making millions” and how “you can do it too!”  Yet, it’s totally obvious that the idea only works because it is original and it won’t work for you.  I should really start turning off my TV at 6.30 again.  I was so much happier when I was unaware of how stupid people are.  Anyway, back to ‘best light entertainment.’  Does it bother you at all that you weren’t nominated for ‘best comedy’?  I mean, being a comedian, you’d think that your show would be a comedy.  Maybe it’s just me.  Anyway, so you won PBL’s little popularity competition.  Big deal.  It doesn’t change the fact that your show is about as entertaining as watching the Down syndrome kid down the street cross the road.  Actually, wait, that’s always good value.  One of these days he isn’t going to make it.  The tension is always so thick.  Let me try again.  It doesn’t change the fact that your show is about as entertaining as watching your mother change her underpants.  Yeah, that one will work.  How’s that for your mother’s day episode?

So, everyone is bringing their mum’s on to the show this Sunday are they?  Well, on the plus side, I guess we’ll all know who to blame from now on.  Are you sure this episode is going to be funny?  It sounds to me like a train wreck about to happen.  As if this isn’t going to turn in to a shit hurling contest.  I’m sure that by the end of this, your mothers’ will all be highly embarrassed and probably pissed that 700,000 Australians saw them make arses of themselves.  I’m looking forward to the fall out from this.  This is easily the best idea (and by best I mean worst) that you have had since the time you interviewed ‘John Howard’ “via satellite” and just stole Conan’s sketch of using a photo and talking yourself.

Who the fuck is Michael Weatherly?  Is he that American knob that was at the Logies?  Yeah, that’s what makes Australian TV cool – having a yank there to give everyone the impression that they watch our shit in the US!  Wrong!  Everyone has cable there, so there’s like a thousand stations.  How many of them show Australian TV shows?  None!  You know why?  Because they’re all showing re-runs of ‘Lost’ because after three seasons, no one has any idea what the molly fuck is going on with that show!  ‘Lost’ is so ‘Bold and the Beautiful’ it hurts!  I’m seriously getting sick of that show!  I’ve been downloading it as they screen in America and I’m starting to think that whoever’s bandwidth I am stealing could be better used on some other show.  Just kidding…but only in the sense that I don’t want to get arrested for what I’ve been doing.  My brother got arrested.  The local CIB were impressed with him.  He had them chasing him through ex-soviet countries when he was in their backyard the whole time.  But then he fucked up and got caught.  He got off pretty light though.  Anyway, why does anyone care about this Michael fella anyway?  I saw him being “funny” on ‘The Chaser’s War…” when Chris and Craig were pulling their antics.  He’s about as funny as you.  Couldn’t they have picked someone better like, I dunno, Jason Lee from ‘My Name is Earl’ or that hot young thing from ‘Heroes’ and the Neutrogena ads?  Yeah, that would have been wicked.  NCIS is a shithouse show for bottom feeders.  A bunch of jerks being jerks – that should be the blurb for that show in the TV Guide.

Why are Eskimo Joe back on?  They’re so last month.  I thought you were supposed to be on it, Rove.  I was wrong.  You’re just a small boy in small men’s clothes.  Does anyone even care about these guys this week?  All they’re songs are awful now because the Austereo network played them to death.  Triple J hardly ever plays them anymore and the last band I can remember that they stopped playing because other stations did was Killing Heidi and let’s face it, Ella Hooper is an ugly day time hooker.  Eskimo Joe are really nothing special.  It’s music to ignore when you’re at a party, that’s all.

So Eric Bana has come home to whore off his new movie.  Big deal.  I’m sick of this knob.  He’s just another self-centered Australia celebrity who is only out to further his own career.  Yeah, shut up, I know that is what most people are out to do and there isn’t anything wrong with trying to be the best you can and all that crap.  My point is, that people like him, Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman and sluts like that just got famous enough here to bugger off overseas and never come back.  Eric made his film debut in ‘The Castle’ if memory serves me.  Do you reckon he’d ever do a movie like that again?  Get fucked.  As if Working Dog productions would even have enough capital to borrow against to be able to pay him what he would want to be in an Australian film.  No matter who you are, you don’t get where you are on your own.  Someone always helps you by fronting up cash, giving you a break, not firing you when they catch you sleeping in the cold room at work, or even just believing in you.  Eric, I use to think you were cool, but now I think you’re a cunt.  Say hi to Drew for me.  She’s so sexy for a 60 year old.

Hey Pete, nice joke at the Logies.  Did your mum write it for you?

Finally Rove, a question for you.  I work 5 or 6 days a week, and toward the end of the week, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays in particular, I find it really hard to get up and go to work and even staying at work until knock off time.  Does that happen to you on Sunday afternoon after you’ve been at work for half an hour, or since you don’t actually do any work is it all good?

Sincerely,

BRAD!

Ps – There isn’t really a Down syndrome kid down the street.  Some times I think my neighbour’s dog is retarded though.

10:55 pm - POstponed until Friday

Dear Rove will be updated tomorrow (Friday).
Sorry for the convenience.

Sincerely
BRAD!

07:52 pm - US + Logies + Fifi + Jay Leno + Channel 9 Exclusive + More Logies

Dear Rove,
How the fuck are you, all the way over there in the US? Man, I wish I had enough walking around money to just fly on over to America for a few days just to be on a TV show. Who paid for that by the way? I mean, ‘Rove Live’ or, the new abbreviated version of this season, ‘Rove’ (but it’s still live) isn’t broadcast over there, so I can’t see why Channel 10 would spring for it – unless they plan on trying to pimp it over there. Which they don’t. Because, well, why would they? Seriously. So who did pay for it? Did you pay for it yourself? I doubt it. Because in my head, you don’t have any money. You spent it all on rock. Unless…where is the money from Belinda Emmett’s new album going? I mean, the non-McGrath foundation part. Hrmm… I wonder.

So, no show this Sunday, huh? Logies a little more important than you are they? If I remember correctly, the Logies are produced by a little shit-fest production company known as Roving Enterprises. Also, you’ve won three gold Logies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say that I think you are rigging the Logies, but…I think you are rigging the Logies. But we’ll come back to the Logies soon enough, but before that, I’ve got a whore in the cross-hairs.

Fifi lost. Get over it! “Oh, the fat singing whore won – it must be rigged because she works for Channel 7!” Get fucked! It couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that she’s a better dancer, could it? Fucktards! So what’s the deal anyway? She has another job lined up with Channel 7, so she has to win the competition because she is already in on Channel 7? Does that make sense to anyone? What are these knobs trying to say? That losers don’t work for Channel 7? Ummm, Mel from Sunrise? Anyone? Hello? Anna Corren? Yes? Monique, the weather girl? I think so. Want more? Andrew O’Keefe? I think it is safe to say that the majority of Channel 7’s personalities are losers. Here’s my two cents on this whole thing:
Firstly, Fifi lost, get over it. Of all the people in the street that ACA and TT interviewed, how many of them actually voted? If you didn’t vote, you have no right to complain about the outcome! (That goes for you too, America. Maybe if you voted for a president, you’d get a half decent one). I didn’t vote though, don’t stress. I didn’t even know who the finalists were until everyone started bitching like the whiney, molested children they no doubt use to be. But here it is; anyone who can’t master the simple art of walking down stairs doesn’t deserve to win an award, no matter how awful the show is! If you can’t complete the simple act of walking down a set of stairs without face planting in front of about 500,000 to 1 million viewers, I think it is safe to assume that you aren’t the best dancer on television. In fact, you’re probably lucky to make it through the first episode. Did you know that every year, people die from falling down a set of stairs? Yeah, we use them everyday, but somewhere round the world – BAM! Broken neck. All I’m saying is, why can’t it happen on national television?

Okay Rove, back to you. So, firstly, you fuck off to America to appear on Jay Leno’s late night talk show. Why you went to Jay instead of Dave, I’m not sure. I mean, you steal more of Dave’s and Conan’s stuff than you do Jay’s. But that’s neither here nor there. Okay, so Jay introduced you as “having a similar job” to him. I liked his choice of words. It’s “similar” it’s not the same, because, well, he’s pretty good and you’re pretty bad. The next thing I noticed was when he said that you “host the most popular talk show” (I assume in Australia). Yeah, that might be true. But then again, it’s pretty fucking easy to host the most popular talk show in Australia when you’re the only talk show on commercial television. Heh, he thought you were lame because you were only on once a week. That’s a good point. You have a week to write an hour’s material. It takes me like 45 minutes tops to write this, and I’m usually doing something else while I do it – like abusing Anna Corren, eating dinner (I’m doing that now), throwing things at my cat and then pretending it wasn’t me, or judging my girlfriend and people still seem to enjoy it. Jay is on every week night. He has 24 hours to prepare for his show, and I’m sure he spends at least some of that time sleeping. So yeah, sometimes his show is fairly ordinary, but that’s because he’s on there with new material every night. Oh sure, he has a team of writers to help but, well fuck me, you do too. You have a week, and week after week, your show smells worse than a toilet in a curry house. Heh, that was good, I’m going to use that again some time as well.

So Jay seemed to think it was pretty cool that John Howard watches your show. Personally, I think it makes him more unfit to run the country than ever. What the fuck is he doing watching your show? He should be working on policy, or not being a fuckwit! Yet, he’s not just watching your show, he’s also eager to tell the whole fucking country he’s doing it. What a knob. And who the fuck cares if he watches your show? He’s just like any other guy, except he’s probably more fit than I am and he’s hated by more people than most. At the end of the day, why would you even care if John Howard watches your show? He’s a cock. And good evening to ASIO who probably just starting reading.

Man, 5.9 million people watched that episode of Jay’s. How many do you get? Well, I can’t find any recent numbers at the moment because:
1) my internet is shit
2) I can’t be bothered
3) You’re not worth the research
They’re claiming this is your most popular season (yet I’ve read several times that CSI still rapes you worse than Clarence Henry Osborne! (For anyone reading who doesn’t know who Clarence is, he admitted to having sexual encounters with between 100 and 200 adolescent boys. Then he topped himself in the late 70s, ’79 I think. Man, I learnt some useful stuff at uni. Thank you ‘Victimology’) but, your last season struggled to hit 800,000. This number of course is just not good enough. Heh, more people watch ‘The Chaser’s War on Everything’ than they do your show. You suck so much.

Oi, why the fuck was your “exclusive” interview on Channel 9? Are you that fucking stupid that you don’t even know what network you work for? Fuck you’re dumb. Also, I love ACA’s loose use of the term “exclusive.” I saw you on Channel Ten’s late night news last night – the same night that you had your “exclusive” with Nine. Not only was it the same night, you were wearing the same clothes. Man, I wish you had of been hit by a car on Sunset Boulevard. That would have been well wicked. Hey, who the fuck even cares that you were on Jay’s show? I sure as shit don’t. Oh wow, you’re on American TV. Wow, big fucking deal. You know, the only difference between you and me is that everyone knows you’re a fuckhead. Only about 500 people know that I’m a fuckhead.

I thought it was pretty funny when you were talking about the Logies. You said something about how you were surprised to be nominated for the gold Logie, considering you’ve been away for so long (it’s only been 6 months by way, and you’re already looking to piss off overseas?). Frankly, I thought it was a bit funny too. I mean, you’ve done like four episodes this season and the first of those wasn’t even in the ratings period. How the fuck did you get nominated for any Logies at all let alone the gold one. Fuck. And that brings me back nicely to my point about it being rigged. According to your own admission, you don’t think you deserve it.

Hey Pete, I notice you’re not nominated for a Logie…again. How does that make you feel?

And finally, a question for you, Rove, in the hope that it will get you to reply to me. Since you’re taking your mum to the Logies (man, so many jokes there that I just don’t have time to get in to), can you say hi to her for me?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

Ps – I haven’t forgotten about the Fuglies, so don’t worry, I’ll get there.

11:01 pm - Ramble + Reader Submission + Missy Higgins + Adam Hills + Joel Edgerton +

Dear Rove,
Happy ANZAC day and all that. I hope you got real pissed and disgraced yourself (as seems to be the trend). I had to work, which sucked balls…until I got my pay cheque. Does it annoy the shit out of you when people spell it “check” instead of “cheque”? It annoys the shit out of me. I’m like, “Fuck you moron. The English language wasn’t created from the best of every other language in a vain attempt to take over the world with a universal language that only the Brits could understand just so you could shit all over it, you fucking jerk. Man, I do love the word “jerk” though. It doesn’t get used enough any more. Neither does fanny. I’ve even seen banks spelling it ‘check.’ I get so pissed off that I march right out of there and rob some other bank instead! Usually around this time of year, I read ‘The One Day of the Year’ by Alan Seymour. I reckon this year I’ll just get the podcast though. I mean, that’s what you do these days, isn’t it? I use to just stream mp3s of radio shows and what not, but fuck that. That’s soooooooo early 00’s. We’re living in the not to distant present now, where we have VJ’s, podcasts, vodcasts and seven versions of the same bullshit show in seven different cities or seven different types of criminal investigation! Come up with a new idea for a television show, for fucks sake! I’ve come up with like three just in my emails. That doesn’t even include my shadow-puppet theatre. I can do the best falling rock, ever. Period.

Hey, so one of my readers got attacked by Jason Byrne on stage not too long back. Wanna hear about it? Well fuck you, I’m gonna tell you anyway (I swear, this would be a fuckload more interesting if everyone reading this could also hear the audio commentary that goes on in my head while I type it. Like the special features on a DVD or something). Anyway, ‘Handsintheair’ (wicked name by the way. You can tell that the majority of LiveJournal users were 12 when they first got their LiveJournal. Except for me, I was awesome when I got mine. Also, not twelve). Anyway, aside from the lame-as-fuck user name of ‘handsintheair,’ she is actually pretty cool. Like, I can think of at least one time that I have read her comments. For the life of me, I don’t know why I am ragging on her; she’s a loyal reader and seems to be fairly cool. So, anyway, here’s the story:
He had all these giant pictures, and he had me and a guy on stage and he flicked through them, and if there was a kangaroo we had to yell "ROO!" and if there were multiple, "ROOS", and if it wasn't a kangaroo at all "THAT'S NOT A ROO" - and you got a point if you were the first one to yell "that's not a roo". It was both ridiculous and hilarious. He dragged a couch across the stage and made me sit on it for the game because I'm a girl and shouldn't have to stand apparently. It was supposed to take like five minutes, but we were up there for about fifteen while he cracked jokes about us. It was the best.
That’s pretty cool. I’ve never seen the bastard live, but unlike you, it appears that when he yells, he actually is being funny, not just yelling to make it funny like you do. Do you see the difference? Funny man, funny material, yells it, people laugh. Short retard, shithouse material, yells it, people die. How the fuck do you keep getting nominated for the Gold Logie? It’s fucking ridiculous! How did you even get nominated for the Gold Logie this year? Don’t you have to actually BE on TV to get nominated for those things! It’s bullshit, you took an extended holiday and still expect to be given a gold door-stop. It’s beyond me, Rove. Fucking beyond me. Anyway, thanks for the reader submission, handsintheair, I’m sorry I poo-smeared you. Heh ‘poo-smeared’, it conjures such awesome images. Reckon I’ll use that one again some time soon. Let’s see what other people submitted this week:
Archilles Marvin is offering me Viagra, Cialis, Vallium, Xanax, Ambien and Soma for cheap. How did Archilles know that I have severe erectile dysfunction which requires two different types of meds to take care of, I’m so depressed that I need two kinds of highly addictive anti-depressants, severe insomnia, and some drug named after a fictional drug from a book, or some indo-Iranian traditional beverage.
Why I told you about my spam, I have no idea. Maybe it’s because all the real emails are just offers of sexual favours…maybe, but it’s probably not.

Okay, so anyway, on to your guests. Oh my god, get fucked, Missy Higgins. You’re the worst thing Triple J has unearthed since Killing Heidi. I’m so sick of your single word named songs. Fuck we get it, you’re depressed and no one loves you. Fuck off already. You’re the worst kind of emo – on the radio. I’m so sick of your god-damned songs of woe about guys that dumped you. Here’s a newsflash: EVERYONE GETS DUMPED, YOU SLAG! Maybe people keep dumping you because you’re such a wingy runt! Every time you release a song you make me die a little inside. You’re famous, you’re hot, you’re probably loaded and your rack isn’t that bad either. I’m sure you have other traits too, but I don’t care. Instead, I’ve decided to write you off.

Hey, it’s Adam Hills. It’s always annoying when quality guests come on your show, since I have such fun ripping total strangers to shreds. Although, I guess it probably wouldn’t do me any harm to be nice to people every now and again. But I do have to say that Adam Hills is a fucking champion through and through. I don’t think I have a bad word to say about Adam. Gotta love Spicks and Specks. I thought it would be wearing thin by now, but nope, it’s still as awesome as ever. I seem to remember hearing something about Adam and the Logies. Hosting? Something, I don’t know. I have to keep reminding myself that comedy isn’t like the music industry, and being on shows like that isn’t selling out. It’s earning a living. Still, it’d be awesome if he took the opportunity to tear them a new one. Still, I like to see someone fly off the handle at every opportunity possible, that’s just who I am.

What is Joel Edgerton pimping? He is in some show called ‘Dangerous’ that I haven’t heard of. I assume it is some FOXTEL thing, but I have no idea because I don’t have FOXTEL. I barely have internet. Maybe it is ‘Whisper’, some English movie he was in. I dunno, I got bored reading about that one. The last role I saw him in where he really kicked arse was ‘The Hard Word’ with Guy Pierce. Fuck that movie rocked! With the exception of him hooking up with that lady who turned out to be his mum. I mean, to be totally honest, it got me a little hot under the collar. Then I realised it was incest. But then I realised it wasn’t my mum, so then I was back to hot under the collar. So yeah, I’m really not sure what he is pimping, but if it has Joel in it, it is probably good. He was even good in The Secret Life of Us. Remember Steve Curry’s role in that? Fuck he was a bogan. What a short lived stint on Australian soap. That was the final season, I think, wasn’t it? It was on Channel 10, so I assume you know. Actually, I also assume that because of that you only watch Channel 10. I also reckon that they have television sets all over the place at channel 10 and they are all tuned to awful television. Half of them are probably a live stream of the Big Brother house so you can watch 15 strangers sleep when ever you feel like it. They aren’t having the Uncut show anymore are they? I guess half the reason for the whole series is gone now. I guess there is no chance of watching anyone masturbate live in the house anymore. I’ve not actually seen this, but I assume you have, you sick bastard. God damn poor smearers!

Hey Pete, Do you and Dave have pissing contests in the toilet backstage of the Rove set? Does he kick your arse all up and down the urinal? I bet he does.

Finally, Rove, in the wake of all this ‘1st Anniversary of the Beaconsfield Mining Disaster’ fiasco, with everyone looking back at where Brant and Todd are now, I can’t help but wonder, what the fuck ever happened to Stuart Diver?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

12:22 pm - Apology + Big Brother + Avril + Mark Watson + Pink + Bernard Fanning + Guy Sebastian

Dear Rove,
First up, real sorry this is coming to you on a Friday. I tried to write this yesterday, but my internet was down. So I went to the pub instead. I love days off. Although, I have to work tomorrow, which is retarded. So yeah, that’s why this is coming to you late. Man, that guy from Idol with the massive afro is on Kerry-Anne’s show. Holy shit, his jaw is huge. Fucking look at him. That mouth is massive. I bet he can put his fist in his mouth with relative ease.

Okay, so, it’s that time of year again and Big Brother is starting. I’m so sad. I can’t believe people are still interested in this show. It’s so boring. A bunch of bogans go in to a house, get pissed and slap each other around with their testicles. I mean, turns out that really worked in Camilla’s favour. I now have to put up with her every morning at work. God damn radio. Remember in the American one how that dude put a knife to some chick’s neck? That’s television! The best we had was a sexual assault and some chick fell out of the spa when that arse-shaking-fatty was on the show. This seriously has to be one of the most forgettable shows on television. This is what, series 7? They’ve sent about 15 people in to the house each season, so that’s like 90 people that have gone through the house. Of them, only about 5 or 6 have remained in the public eye. Wes is on totally wild, Fitsy? Fryzie? Something like that and Bree (remember her, she wouldn’t get naked in the house, but then she thought she was going to be evicted, so she pulled her cans out “by accident”) host some show which has something to do with Big Brother and ruining my Friday nights, I’ve already mentioned Camilla. That’s actually about all I can remember. Those people are all fucking retarded. With the possible exception of Wes. He’s pretty cool. Still, why anyone would like to watch these people 6 nights a week and have some say in their share accommodations arrangements by way of phone is beyond me. And then there’s Gretel. And we all know how much I like that whore.

So I was watching Letterman the other night, and it was the day before his 60th birthday and I couldn’t help but think about how long he has been on TV for. Then I thought, “Thank god Rove won’t last that long.” Then, I was watching again a couple of nights later and Avril was on. Oh my god, what a whore. Why am I not surprised that she married that wanker from Sum41? I’m actually happy with that arrangement to be honest. I’m a big fan of rounding up second class citizens and putting them all together in the same area, like in a camp or something. Actually, re-reading that, I’d like to have another crack at what I am trying to say, because that sounds a lot like I think the Jewish concentration camps were wicked. Which is not the case. What I am trying to say is that the more these fuckwits get together, the less everyone else has to put up with them…but then they will have concentrated fuckwit-children. But that’s ok too, because kids get hit by cars all the time. So anyway, Avril was singing her new song about trying to be some dude’s girlfriend (what a slut). It was just awful. Then she was talking to Letterman and she just wouldn’t fucking stop touching her hair. It reminded me of all the emos in the valley. If you’re wiping your hair out of your face because it is annoying you, actually fucking move it! Don’t trace around it and then repeat five seconds later. I was getting so pissed of watching Avril do that while Letterman stroked her ego. I wanted to throw something at the TV, but I’d already put the cat to bed! Oh, and the dumb whore doesn’t even have enough moves to fill a three and a half minute song! She has like four moves and then sounds the rest of the time bopping on the spot, as if she is twelve. Fucking whore. Most Canadians are cool – because they have an American accent, but actually know what they are talking about. Avril’s not though, watching her is like eating glass.

Man, your line up this week is so bad I don’t even want to talk about any of them – except for Mark Watson. He’s quite funny. He’s been on TV a lot this week. By a lot, I mean twice. The Comedy Gala and Spicks and Specks. I’d not seen him before, but I was quite impressed. Not as cool as Jason Byrne though. I love him. He’s so crazy. My girlfriend doesn’t like him though. He was on Spicks and Specks too. He was quite good. Although, I like him more when he has some poor guy up on stage and he’s swearing at him. Good times. Anyway, this time of year is usually pretty cool for TV because all the comedians are in town to make good shows better, or in your case, awful shows slightly less awful for five minutes. Oh, I was quite surprised that Wil’s material wasn’t very old as well. I think I’d only heard one or two jokes before. Speaking of old jokes, open mic night was on at the pub, and the MC was a guy that I’ve did some gigs with back when I was trying my hand at comedy. I never liked this guy; I thought he was a fuckhead. Anyway, it’s been like two years or something since I have been on stage. This guy is still telling the same jokes he was telling when I was gigging with him. It’s like fuck man! You’re here every Thursday night, there’s a fair chance that everyone in this room has heard your set before. Get some new material! I should get some new material and get back in the game. It’s been too long and I need an excuse to go to pubs and drink during the week.

Hey, have you heard of that footballer called Fuifui Moimoi? What a hilarious name! I was watching the news last night and they started talking about him. Where the hell is he from to have a name like that? It’s awesome. Pity his hair makes him look like a wanker though.

I’m not going to talk about Pink, because this is like her fourth or fifth time on your show and she’s actually quite boring. It’s kind of hard to have any new material about her since she doesn’t do anything, ever, except trick girls in to thinking that by listening to her music, they’ll become empowered and take over the world, or something. I just don’t know though. Oh, I will say this though, that song of hers, I don’t know what it’s called, but I’m sure it has a name. Anyway, the lyrics go, “I’m not here for your entertainment.” Now, I hear this everyday at work – ‘U and ur Hand.’ That’s what it’s called. Apparently Avril and Pink had the same English teacher – There is no ‘I’ in ‘boy’ you fucking retard! How someone loves you, Avril, I’ll never understand. Anyway, So, I hear this shit at work everyday and I get very angry because Pink (I still refuse to use an exclamation mark as an I, by the way) works in a bustling little industry known as the ‘Entertainment Industry.’ Now, maybe it’s just me…but if you work in the entertainment industry, I dare say that where ever you are and what ever you are doing, YOU’RE THERE FOR THEIR ENTERTAINMENT YOU FUCKING WHORE! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO, IT’S YOUR JOB AND YOU SUCK AT IT BECAUSE I’M NOT ENTERTAINED, I’M BORED! Fuck, I didn’t mean to talk about her. Anyone with an exclamation mark in their name isn’t worth knowing (except me. I’m awesome).

So one of my friends went and saw Wilco the other night (don’t worry, I’ve already stopped talking to her). She sends me a message that says, “So it turns out I’m standing next to Bernard Fanning.” So I sent one back saying (and I do apologise for the use of this word, but it was highly appropriate) “Say this: the person who just sent me a message thinks that you’re a cunt.” He said “thanks.” Then, about five minutes later, she sent me another message that said, “Now I’m standing next to Glenn Richards. Do you have a message for him?” Glen is of course the front man for Augie March (we’re so close that I can call him by his first name. According to Charles Firth’s book, using someone’s first name gives the impression that you know them and therefore know what you’re talking about. Of course though, neither Charles, nor myself actually have any idea what is going on, ever). I sent one back saying, “Tell him that I just called Bernard a cunt.” She didn’t though; she went to the toilet instead. God damn pisshead. I felt a little bit bad for a few days, because I hadn’t heard Powderfinger’s new song. Then I heard it on the way home yesterday and breathed a sigh of relief…because its shit and Bernie’s a cunt.

Instead of talking about Merrick and Rosso and Guy Sebastian I think I’m going to wrap this up. Why? Because they’re old hat. I don’t know if you know this, but one of my loyal readers went to school with Guy (see, it’s totally working, maybe Charles is on to something). Anyway, this guy went to school with Guy (if it wasn’t for the capitalisation, that sentence would have made no sense!) Anyway, after I give him a pound of shit last time he was on your show, this fella (now I know who I am talking about. Fucking Guy’s (capital) parents. Naming their kid a generic term for a boy. Retards). This fella came rushing to Guy’s defence and told me that he works really hard and he tries hard and is very talented. I can’t remember what I said in return…but Guy is in love with some hooker who rides an elevator! What the fuck is that song about? It’s just awful. As for Merrick and Rosso, are they even on the radio anymore? I can’t even check. I broke my car radio. The volume knob broke off one when I had it turned up really loud. That was fucking annoying. I got it lowered now with some make shift control that barely works, so I won’t fix. Also, my car battery died when I left my lights on (I’m a member of RACQ though, so that was the only four letter word I needed). When the guy gave me a jump, it wiped my radio, so it didn’t remember any stations anymore. After programming Triple J, I got over it and now that’s all I have.

Now we might as well take a reader’s submission. This is what someone who reads this had to say about you this week:



It’s blank because there were no submissions this week. Brad.corp@gmail.com if you’re keen. If you want to rant about Rove or ask a question, send it there. If you want to complain to me about my email, fuck off. What are you doing still reading if you don’t like it? And you tell me to get a life. Moron.

Hey Pete, did you feel like you deserved to MC the Comedy Gala? I only ask because you weren’t very funny. Also, I had a dream the other night that I saw you at the shops. I yelled out, “Hey Pete, I’m the guy that sends Rove hate mail!” And you said, “Oh, is that you? You’re a fucking arsehole!” Then I got on my motorbike, and I’m not sure, but I think I rode off in to the sky.

As I like to now, I’ll end with a question so that you feel obligated to reply.
I’ve had this cough for about five weeks now and I cough up a mouth full of phlegm two or three times a day. Do you think I should go and see a doctor?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

11:23 pm - Thank God You're Here US+Gretel Killeen+Reader's Question+John Butler Trio+Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Dear Rove,
How the fuck are you? I’m full. It was taco night. Usually Taco Night in either on Monday or Tuesday, but not this week. There was no real reason for the change though, it just happened. What did you have for dinner? Did you watch ‘Missing Persons Unit’? Fuck that show sucks. Some dude fucked off and left his invalid wife and kids. He withdrew $2000 from the bank which was for some medical stuff for his wife, bought some camping equipment and now he’s gone. They were like, “We don’t know why he’s gone. Why would he do that?” And I was like, “he has kids and an invalid wife. Why didn’t he do it sooner?” And next week, some wife puts an ad in the paper for a tough truck driver, and then leaves her husband and toddler children with someone. That’s just fucking hilarious.

Did you here that ‘Thank God You’re Here’ has started in America? It’s the exact same concept. Even down to the judge who sits in the crowd, says retarded things and is completely useless. Although, to America’s credit, this guy (unlike his Australian counterpart) doesn’t give “dishonourable mentions” for things that were tied to the scenario, rather than things that comedian said or did. (If you haven’t guessed by now, I saw the US premier). I have a giant satellite dish on top of my house that picks up everything. If I had of been alive, I probably would have been able to pick up the moon landing live…all the way from Hollywood, California. Or was it Hollywoodland back then? I don’t know, or care because I made all of that up. I don’t have a satellite dish. I don’t even have a casserole dish. The moon landing was fake though, I wasn’t lying about that. Anyway, the US version isn’t too bad. Remember ‘Malcolm in the Middle’? Well, Malcolm’s dad was on. He made out with two of the chicks in his scenario. He was really, really good. The fat wanker from ‘Seinfeld’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ was on. He was a wanker. In one scene, his antenna (don’t ask, it was his costume) fell off, so he was like, “I can’t see!” and I was hoping that a bus would tear on stage and he wouldn’t be able to see it coming. Unfortunately, they don’t have a massive budget either. That was the ‘all in challenge.’ The fat wanker’s own scene was a direct rip from the Aus version. Remember when Akmal was selling medication on some talk show and it had his picture on it and it wasn’t very good – yeah – that one. They stole that. All in all, I thought it wasn’t too bad. I’d give it 9 out of 13.5.

I have creative copyright on that scale, by the way. If anyone else uses that (especially you) I either want a cheque with five zeros, or I’ll sue the pants off you. Like literally, I will sue you for your pants. We’ll be in court and the judge will ask what damages I am seeking and my QC (because in this fantasy I can afford a QC) will stand up and say, “The plaintiff is seeking the pants the defendant is wearing today as damages.” And if you decide to fuck me over by wearing shit pants, I’ll ask for all of your pants.

Anyway, on to your Sunday night shitfest. Oh fuck, it’s Gretel Killeen. As my girlfriend said, “She has to be at least 50 by now.” I mean, she’s got to be getting close. In which case, maybe it’s time she quit dressing like a teenager. I know that all you TV personalities are so retarded that you have to get someone else to dress you, but you must have some input. Seriously. Get it? Channel 10 – “Seriously.” Ohh, so funny. Anyway, Gretel is a fucking whore. “I’m use to people trying to bamboozle me!” Who the fuck says that anymore? World War II is over and everyone agrees that it’s just swell, so maybe it’s time to stop talking like it’s still the 40s. Mole. If Big Brother really wanted to get more viewers, the house would be filled with bogans (I know, it already is, but I’m going somewhere with this) who recently had the power to their trailers shut off by Gretel and instead of getting a bed to sleep on, they’d get a 2x4 and Gretel would have to insult them about their parents being related. The rest of the script would write itself. I’d watch that. Fuck that show is seriously about Bogans moving in to a share house and watching them destroy all the expensive furniture. Do you think Gretel’s kids are proud of their mum? Like, at those ‘bring your parents to school days’ that are always happening in America, do you reckon their kids intentionally lose the note so Gretel doesn’t come to school and talk about what she does? Or do you think they’re proud and they walk around the school going, “My mum’s a cheap whore on TV!”? Personally, I don’t know…but if she were my mum, I’d be glad that my mum ran away when I was seven. Oh, and by the way, get fucked, that’s not why I’m so angry. Just because you’ve heard of Freud doesn’t mean you know anything. In fact, referencing him only highlights your ignorance, ‘tard.

Just a side note here. Your webpage (which is hosting by Channel 10 because your show is too poor to keep financing it’s own webpage) has a note about last week. On that, you refer to Rose Byrne as “Australia’s next big thing.” What the fuck? Staring opposite Eric Bana and Brad Pitt isn’t a “big thing”? You’re fucking retarded. She’s not new, she’s been making awesome and big movies for years. Get a clue. Next you’ll be telling me about the ‘young talent’ of Naomi Watts as if ‘Mulholland Drive’ was nothing special (hey, fuck you! Just because I didn’t get it doesn’t mean it wasn’t really, really, really, fucking good. Fuckin’ blue box – WHAT ARE YOU?)

Now seems like as good a time as any for a Reader’s Question. So, without any a due, here it is:
“While I thought you were brilliant on Good News Week, do you have an explanation for why you became so bland when on your own?”
Good question. I’m sad to say that I was a little young for ‘Good News Week.’ My dad use to watch it…but I was like twelve. Then I did get in to it and like every other good show on ABC, Channel 10 bought it, killed it, changed its name and flogged a dead horse. I never saw you on GNW, but once, I saw the lowlights of the ‘Australian Idol’ tryouts…so I think I know about how awful it would have been.

Man, I think I am the only person who doesn’t like The John Butler Trio. I’ve said this before – last time they were on. Although I think they make fucking awful music, they, particularly John, are fucking amazing musicians. They just apply their talent in the most fucked way. “Ohh, check us out, we care about the old growth forests of wherever.” No one cares, John. I care about the old growth forests of wherever too. The difference is that if I go to a protest and climb a tree, I don’t take my guitar and I certainly don’t dominate the media coverage of said protest. If I go to a protest, this is what is said, “a small group of people were protesting…blah, blah, blah.” If you’re there, here is how it is reported, “John Butler climbed a tree and played his guitar…I think there was a protest somewhere as well.” Media whore. You’re a multiple award winning ARIA artist with multi-platinum albums. Why do you still dress like a butler? The least you could do is make it look like you’ve taken a shower.

Great, it’s the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Oh, my, god. Fucking die already. I’ve got nothing against old rockers still rocking. Don’t get me wrong there, that’s cool. If you make good music, fuck man, make it. Don’t forget though – it’s true what they say, “no coke, no soul.” I don’t know who says that, but someone does. Maybe it was Brian from ‘Family Guy.’ Interesting side note – ‘Family Guy’ is just starting. The two greatest things Flea from RHCP has ever done with his career are:
1) The 80s punk fest, ‘Suburbia.’ Fuck me, that movie rocked. Except when the baby got eaten by the wild dogs in the phone booth.
2) ‘Back to the Future.’ Oh yeah, he was in that. Needles was the man!
Notice how neither of those things had anything to do with music? Except that the first one was about a music based subculture…aside from that, nothing to do with music! Anyway, why the fuck is Flea playing drums in the film clip for their new song (I think it’s something about bopping, or something else of significant substance)? He plays bass. He plays it pretty fucking well too. Here’s a little game everyone can play at home. Go and get your friend’s pirated copy of RHCP’s first album (I say “your friends” because you wouldn’t be retarded enough to own it and I say “pirated copy” because I assume that you wouldn’t be friends with anyone with so little self respect that they would actually pay for a RHCP’s album). Okay, now, go and get a different friend’s/stranger’s pirated copy of their latest album (I say “different friend’s/stranger’s” because I assume that either your original friend learnt their lesson the first time and stopped listening to RHCP or, they didn’t and you’re now no longer friends with them and therefore, have to find a stranger and borrow there’s). Fuck, what a massive side point. Anyway, now that you have those albums, listen to them both in order and notice just how fucking different they are. It’s almost a different band. I mean, fuck, sell out some more. Get Britney to do back up vocals or something. She shaved her head, now she’s about as tufff as you guys are. That’s right – tufff with three f’s.

Hey Pete, since Hamish and Andy have become conjoined in the futile effort of raising your ratings, are you worried that you’re still fatter than them?

And finally, Rove, your weekly question: Since the big brother website isn’t just ‘bigbrother.com.au’ do you think that Gretel is going to look like an idiot all year again because she can’t read? I mean, I assume she can’t read on account of the fact she has an auto-cue and still manages to fuck up any sentence with more than four words.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

02:48 pm - First show + Ratings + Beyonce + Josh Pyke + Rose Byrne + Reader Questions + Danny Bhoy

Dear Rove,
Well, how was the first show? Since no one has spoken about it, I can only assume that it was fucking awful. Was Silverchair your only guest? I only ask because Channel 10 didn’t advertise anyone except them and I haven’t seen any ads with “highlights” from the show of other guests who would really love to be anywhere else. I guess that Silverchair’s “rare live performance” wasn’t as much of a ratings winner as you were hoping. Firstly, it was your first show of 2007(never mind the fact that you started on the eve of Easter non-ratings for the moment), you had one of Australia’s most well known, well established pop acts of my generations’ time and you advertised more (and worse) than my grade 8 girlfriend did when she went away for a weekend and cheated on me at least two times (what a whore). Grade 8, damnit! And I’m not talking just kissing either…even though that’s all I thought girls and boys did, like full on stuff! Then, she told like all my friends when she got back and they’re all like, “damn, BRAD! that sucks” and I was like, “what sucks?” and they were like, “apparently your girlfriend.” Then I went and asked her and apparently she did suck and was quite proud of it. Stupid bitch. But that’s neither here, nor there. I was making a point though. Hold on while I re-read this to see where I was going. Oh, ok, got it. First show back, massive band, huge ad campaign; how did you go in the ratings? Ohhhh, lost out to Channel 9. CSI beat you with 1.138 million viewers. I was one of those viewers. Guess what, I was right. Someone died right at the start, there were two suspects, neither of them did it, and it was that other guy in the background. Fuck I rock. With a story line that predictable, it still managed to beat you. Do you ever watch CSI? I think it’s really funny how they have to explain everything to each other. They’re like, “the shooter was at an elevated level.”
“How do you know that, Grishom?”
“Well, the angle of the blood splatter suggests that the bullet exited at this angle, and therefore, must have been shot from somewhere between the second and fourth level”
And the other dude is like “wow, my man-crush is totally founded.”
As if the other person in the scene is so awful at their job that they have to have everything explained to them like they are children.

Damnit, I totally forgot the Easter break was coming up. Has it started already? Or does it start today? You might remember that I run a competition at this time of year. It’s a tipping competition. We bet on the National Easter Road Toll. I think I still have time. Some people think it is immoral. But I don’t care; I think some people are wankers anyway. I can’t remember who won, but I remember that it wasn’t me.

Anyway, I should probably have a look at your show coming up on Sunday. Oh man, fucking Beyonce. Man, I hate this slut. Have you noticed how every time you see her these days, she’s whiter? Seriously, check out some photos from her Destiny’s Child days and check her out now. Why can’t black people just be black? I mean, I guess sometimes it’s kind of unavoidable – like when there is an explosion on the set of a Pepsi commercial and your face catches on fire. Then, a few years later, Bubbles, your pet monkey mauls you. Aside from that though, why do these sluts try to make themselves pasty when every white person is trying to be darker? People are crazy. Oh, and since we’re talking about this whore, we might as well mention ‘Dream Girls.’ What a steaming pile of shit that looked like. My girlfriend saw it with her grandma because I wouldn’t see it with her. It looked ridiculous. A bunch of bitches on stage singing while Jamie Foxx steals the lime light and Eddie Murphy gets screwed at the Oscars. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he deserved an Oscar, I just thought it was funny when I heard the reports that he stormed out when he didn’t get one. What a lamer! I mean, could you be more of a knob? Then again, he’d want to make sure that he has as much money as possible. Raising children isn’t cheap these days. Back in my dad’s day, parents just use to throw scraps at children and if the dog got there first it was just tough luck…also, there was a war and I think everyone died – at least, that’s what I pick up from the stories my dad tells me. Also, he threw a rock at an Esso sign and it exploded and he got covered in glass. Then, three days later, without even asking if he did it, my grandad asked him if he had paid for it yet. Dad said no. Then he got a flogging. And in my granddad’s day, everyone had small pox or polio, I think everyone died again, there was a war and they lived on food stamps – which they used to make cookies to send to the front. We’ve never had it so easy, apparently. This has nothing to do with Beyonce though; she’s a whore even without my grandfather’s help. She has to be – he’s dead. I also thought it was pretty funny when everyone fell in love with the chick from American Idol and how great she was and Beyonce was like, “I was in the movie too” and they were all rambling on about how phenomenal she is after such a short time. Beyonce was like, “I’m in the movie too.” And they’re like, “man, this girls career is going to skyrocket. Imagine starting out in a movie with Jamie Foxx and Eddie ‘I find myself funnier than anyone else’ Murphy.” And Beyonce is like, “…And Beyonce, because…I’m in the movie too.” But nobody cares, Beyonce. Nobody cares at all. Why don’t you go back and reform Destiny’s Child? Those other girls are struggling; and let’s face it; girl groups weren’t 90’s or anything, they’ll be back. ‘Take That’ reformed – why can’t you?

Josh Pyke is on…but nobody cared.

Aww, it’s Rose Byrne. How sexy was she in ‘Two Hands’? Very. Very sexy. What is she pimping while she is back home? She has a lot going on at the moment. I think ‘Sunshine’ is the only thing that is ready for release at the moment, so it is probably that. But before we get there, let’s talk about ’28 Weeks Later.’ This is of course, the sequel to ’28 Days Later.’ Danny Boyle however, has nothing to do with this. He is busy in space (seriously). America rocks up to Britain to start life again or something. I don’t know exactly, but the first one was good. I’m sure that when the Americans start trying to fix stuff something goes wrong and the zombies come out and eat people and stuff like that. How cool was that scene in the first one – all of England totally empty and like the first 25 minutes or something was silent. That was cool. Then everyone started to die. But anyway, on to ‘Sunshine.’ As I mentioned before, Danny Boyle is in space…and this is what he is doing there. So, the sun is dying, so Earth is dying, so humans are dying. Boring. This movie actually looks a lot like ‘Event Horizon.’ You know that one where Sam Neil goes nuts and starts killing everyone on board the space ship? That one. Fuck that was a cool movie. Don’t get me wrong, I have high hopes because I even liked parts of ‘The Beach.’ So, with a bit of luck, this might even be tolerable. Although, then again, blockbusters aren’t really Boyle’s specialty. Small art films are. Hrmm, it seems that Alex Garland, the writer of ‘Sunshine’ was also the writer of ’28 Days Later’ and is the executive producer of ’28 Weeks Later.’ Perhaps this could be interesting. I guess we will have to wait and see. Good writer, awesome director, Australian hottie…this might even be good. It isn’t like me to reserve judgement, but I’ll let you know what I think once I’ve seen it…if I get to see it, I still haven’t seen ‘Rocky Balboa.’

Now, I think we will take some time out to have a look at a couple of reader’s questions:
“You need to get laid” – pumpkinpnts
That’s not really a question and it’s not directed at Rove. Moron. I guess I’ll field it anyway. Yeah, I need to get laid – that’s why I send hate mail to Rove every week. It couldn’t possibly because he is fucking awful and there are at least 100 people that would be better at hosting a variety show (including myself, David Mott, if you’re reading) and people keep throwing Logies at him, despite his ineptitude. So if I have to put up with his shit, he has to put up with mine. Honestly, why would getting laid stop me from sending this shit? You fucking jerk. After you get laid, do you just veg out on the couch and let every worry in the world pass you by? I don’t. I go to sleep, and then when I wake up, I remember how much I hate Rove and punch small children on my way to work.
Oh, and by the way, nice user name, jerk.
This is fun, let’s take another.
“Christ you’re an idiot
The previous was right, you need ‘a life’
(-but I have a girl friend?!) [SIC]” – Anonymous
What the fuck was that? No one mentioned me need a life, you dumb moron. Once again, this isn’t directed at Rove, you people suck. I assume your girlfriend comment is the response you anticipated me to give in return to your sensational and highly original comment. That or you’re more retarded than I gave you credit for and you believe that I won’t take you down a couple of pegs because you have a girlfriend…which is probably right, but fuck I’d steam the shit on her. How does having a girlfriend mean that I have a life? It just means there is someone out there more pathetic than me, you silly twat. I hope your death is slow and painful…and has something to do with your colon exploding.
Also, I think that everyone should stand back and admire your courage to post anonymously so that I can’t insult you in front of your friends.
Now, to everyone else, questions for Rove should be directed at Rove, not me. I’m not Rove; I’m the guy who hates him. Send them to brad.corp@gmail.com. I’ll probably work out prizes during the season, but at the moment, all I can promise you is a handful of my own semen…and I’m reluctant to hand that out because I know what you crazies are like and I don’t want to be blamed if you stick it in a turkey baster and knock yourself up.

Finally, we have Danny Bhoy. Man he’s funny. And he that accent that just makes normal things funny. Cheating bastard. Do you think people like that are more or less popular in their own country? I saw him on ‘Spicks and Specks’ last night. Don’t worry though; I taped it while I watched ‘Heroes’ and I watched it after. Fuck, my arse is numb from this stupid chair. Also, my fists are clenched from watching Angelina Jolie in ‘Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow’ so it is pretty hard to type. Someone should kick that slut right in her box. Have your own child, you fucking bitch! You try to make everyone think that you care so much about the plight of the impoverished when really, you adopt because you don’t want to take time off from making movies and risk losing your figure by having your own kid, which could result in the loss of movie roles and therefore cash – not to mention the immediate loss of income. You money hungry whore. So instead, she heads down to the local orphanage in Africa and walks down the line like I did when I went to the RSPCA and picked my cat. Except the kids could possibly understand when she points out there flaws as reasons that she won’t adopt them. I imagine that would go like this: “AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, fat, AIDS, too old, AIDS, AIDS, awww, this one’s cute, oh wait, AIDS.” Getting back to Danny though, he was pretty good on ‘Spicks and Specks’ – better than normal. He even got some questions right. As for his new material…I haven’t seen it, so I wouldn’t know.

Hey Pete, now that Dave Hughes is joining the “winning team” are you worried that your job might be on the line once management realises everyone loves Dave more than you?

And finally, Rove, your weekly question: Since Delta got the cancer and then they threw seven ARIAs at her so they didn’t feel bad, do you think you’re a shoe in for the gold Logie?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

10:28 am - Hate Mail Thursday + new sections + your ads + Ben Cussins + other ads + time slot + Silverchair

Dear Rove,
Well, where should I begin? So much has happened in the last few weeks that I just don’t know which corner I should start hurling the shit from. Ahh, I think I know where I should begin:
Dear Readers,
As you may have noticed, it isn’t Monday and yet, there is new hate mail. That’s because with a new season comes a new day. This will be the only hate mail Friday for the season hope. The usual day will be Thursday. So, I welcome you all to Hate Mail Thursday. For those of you who have been reading this for the last two years of so, you might be feeling a little nostalgic right now. I sure as shit am, because 5 years ago, after a particularly bad episode of Rove Live that I accidentally saw a few minutes of. I went to uni on Thursday and had a four hour break that needed filling. So, I decided that I would send you an email and let you know just how fucking awful your show was. And thus, Hate Mail Thursday was born. So, let me just say, “it’s good to be back”

What’s next? I don’t know if or what you have planned for the new season. But I plan on having some new sections in each week’s email. First off, there will be the ‘Reader Submission’ and the ‘Reader’s Question’ section. Heh, ‘question’ and ‘section’ rhyme. Each week, I will publish either a submission or a question for you that has been submitted to me by my readers (this is of course assuming that each week they submit some stuff). With a bit of luck, it will be angry and funny. Hopefully though, no bomb threats. I’d prefer it if my ASIO file stayed skinny. Submissions can be sent to brad.corp@gmail.com.

Okay, now on to the serious stuff. How fucking funny are your new ads? Those things are hilarious. Oh, the microphone is there, and then you walk up and it’s all a trick, the microphone is too high because you’re too short and it blocks your face. Oh, so funny. And then, walking down a catwalk and a bucket is there and you step in the bucket and keep walking and “it’s good to be back.” Oh, if those ads are anything to go by, this seasons emails are going to be full of content. What the shit were you thinking? Who wrote those ads? Do they still have jobs? For your sake, man, I hope whoever wrote those got fired. When you were making those ads, didn’t you realise that they were about as funny as telling people that you have new undies? A fucking bucket? You do realise that you aren’t a cartoon don’t you? I mean, I know that your body is so disproportionate that you might get confused sometimes and think that you are in a bad cartoon, but no, you’re not. You’re also not in a 1920s silent comedy. This means that standing in a bucket is not funny. The microphone being too high; isn’t funny. You know what would have been funny? Saying that you weren’t coming back and then hanging yourself.

Okay, time to ramble on about other things before I come back to how shit your show is. We might as well stay close to home for a while. Ben Cussins. Oh yeah. I know you love your AFL and Ben plays for your favourite team. You’re a celebrity, he’s a sporting celebrity. Can you see where I am going with this? The man has been suspended indefinitely from his club for “personal reasons.” Personal reasons which we now know (for certain – because we couldn’t tell before) mean “drug addiction.” Now, as far as I know, we haven’t found out what kind of drugs he is on, but I think we can be certain that you and him burn up together in your living room while you watch ‘Ren and Stimpy’ cartoons. I mean, I’ve had a source who claims to be close to you defend your cocaine use (without actually admitting that you use cocaine, but pretty strongly implied it). You’re ruining your own team, man! You should know better than to do drugs with a sports star. Of course, I have no proof to support my claim – but that’s never stopped me before. So, in sum, this is all your fault.

Have you ever actually sat down and watched one of those ads for cleaning products? Like, ‘Bam’ or ‘Shower Power’ or even ‘Pine O Clean’? Fuck those ads are disgusting. There’s a new one for Pledge. Some sort of dust removing product. The dumb slut on the ad says it is awesome because you can go straight from one surface to another, like glass to wood. Apparently this is good because (and I quote) “I’m a mum and I work fulltime. I don’t have time to change products!” That’s not quite direct, but it’s the point of what she is saying. What the fuck is wrong with that lady? Because she works full time and has kids, she is unable to take an extra seven seconds to change products! That’s just retarded. But, it’s not my biggest beef with these ads though. Have you ever noticed how fucking disgusting the people in these ads are? There toilets are more disgusting than public toilets and there sinks are worse than sinks in a crack house! These people have obviously never cleaned there house before in their lives. They’re raging on about how awesome the product is when it is plainly obvious that they have never used a cleaning product before! I bet prison toilets are cleaner than the toilets in these ads! You’d get sick from using their bathrooms! Fucking grubs. They should just drink the products they use and clean the gene pool.

And that brings us back to your show. You must be worried about your new time slot. I’m worried about mine because I have a lot to do on Thursdays. 8.30 on Sunday is pretty much THE timeslot. It’s one of the most competitive time slots throughout the week. How do you think your pile of steaming shit it going to compare? And what the fuck happened to Sunday Night Movies? That’s the worst thing about all of this! Why don’t any stations put movies on any more? Wankers. Anyway, let’s see what you are up against. First up, ‘CSI.’ The original (and the best). My girlfriend likes this quite a lot, I think it is the best in its genre, but its genre is still shit. I bet someone dies at the start of the episode. Then, there will be no suspects. Then they will discover some crucial DNA evidence and then there will be two suspects and two people who are helping with the investigation. Both of the suspects will have an alibi and then they will be without suspects. Then, they will discover more DNA and one of the two that was helping with the investigation will be arrested. And Grishom will probably impart some deep, philosophical message about the human condition which he learnt from studying bugs. Next, we have crap on both ABC and SBS – ‘The Chaser’s War’ is on if you have ABC2. And finally, your real competitor. ‘Greys Anatomy.’ Firstly, this show is fucking awful. I would rather induce vomiting than watch this shit. I’ve seen a bunch of ads and maybe 5 minutes of the show, so I’m not really speaking from a strong stance, but once again, when has that ever stopped me? Do they even do anything medical on that show? If I was a patient on that show, I would either get better, go home and realise that I didn’t really need to be in hospital because all the doctors did was gossip in front of me and I wasn’t even diagnosed, or I would actually be sick and I would die. This show is also responsible for Snow Patrol’s new found fame. Fuck, off I hate that ‘Chasing Cars’ shit. It wasn’t so awful until radio raped the shit out of it (and continues to rape the shit out of it). Oh my god, will Grey (I assume the main chick from ‘Old School’ is named Grey, but I don’t actually know – and if she is, her anatomy isn’t that great, I know this because she’s anorexic and I can see it) chose the doctor or the other doctor, who I later found out is a vet, so I am wondering what he is doing in a human hospital? Who cares, they’ll break up anyway if the show goes on long enough. Why is this show so popular? It’s fucking boring. It’s worse than that fast talking ‘Gilmore Girls.’ Damn, Rory was hot. Especially in ‘Sin City.’

I dunno, Rove, people seem to like a lot of things that are shit. They are saying that this is a big gamble because this is one of the most contested time slots on TV, but we just did a comparison. We have a crime show that rates fairly well, a show about doctors that don’t do anything doctor-ey and you. Although I love it when you fail, you really don’t have a shit load of competition. Also, with the strong lead up of ‘Thank god you’re here’ and ‘The Biggest Loser’ (which I still fucking hate – LOSING 10kg IN A WEEK INS’T NATURAL! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!) you might just be alright. I’ll be keeping an eye on the figures in the hope that you fall on your face.

Your website and your TV ads are reluctant to tell us which “big guests” (I use inverted commas because usually your guests are wankers) are going to be on your show on Sunday. Could it be that being a Sunday you are finding it hard to get guests? Or that you don’t have any worth saying out loud? There is only one guest that I have been able to find out about. It is of course, your musical guests. And who would they be? Silverchair. Giving a “rare” live performance. Now, I’m sure you and everyone reading at home is wondering “does BRAD! like Silverchair?” Well, the simple answer is no. Of course I don’t, you ‘tards. How could a band that supported Nirvana be so shit? They started out so promising. They even had three or four good songs. But then something happened and they turned it to wankers. Now we have to put up with this bullshit feel good music that gets played on every commercial radio station in the country. I’ve heard a few songs off the new album so far and they all have a common theme: being shit. I don’t even k now the name of their first single, all I know is that it is awful and I have to hear it three or four times a day while I am at work! Fuck off, it is awful. Silverchair is truly a story of three friends who became wankers. They supported Nirvana one night, went home, got some sleep, got up in the morning, went to school the next day and did their HSC (why they bothered going back to school after supporting Nirvana, I have no idea, but they did). How could a band that started out in such a rock ‘n’ roll way end up singing out fairies, or whatever they are singing about now. We probably shouldn’t even get in to the Dissociatives because I’ll probably get so angry that I’ll bash my girlfriend and my cat.

Hey Pete, are you coming back this season, or have you woken up to yourself?

And finally, in the hope of getting you to reply, I am going to finish each email with a question, in the hope that you reply. We’ll start with an easy one today.

When you are reading the script that the writers give you, do you often say out loud, “damn! Do I actually have to say this on TV?”

Sincerely,
BRAD!

10:56 pm - NCIS Double + Amazing Medical Stories + Ugly Betty + Mother + APIA Ads + My TV Show Idea

Dear Rove,
How’s your holiday coming? I see that you still have no plans to come back to television yet. Well, that’s the only assumption I can really come to since your website hasn’t been updated in so long. Now that ‘The OC’ is finished Channel 10 is shit out of luck when it comes to quality programming (at least they’re consistent) and has just decided to run an NCIS double. Fuck that show sucks more than yours. Why the fuck is everyone so keen on murder investigations and terrorists! (Of course ‘24’ is excluded from the previous comment because it kicks more arse per second than the new ‘Asskicker 4000’). You can’t be bothered to play Cluedo anymore, you’d just rather watch it on TV? Fuck that. People are retarded. Is that the plan for Channel 10? To just play crap until you feel like being the funny man? I did type “funny man again” but I deleted again because that would imply that at one point he was funny and I’m yet to see the evidence of that.

Channel 9, on the other hand, have decided the only other thing that will work in the time slot are medical freaks. “A real life Thumbelina”? And last week it was 16 year old conjoined twins – and let’s face it, everyone was wondering what is going to happen when they get a boyfriend(s). Will they have one each? Will they share? Or will the guys take turns Schoolies style? That is of course assuming they can get boyfriends. Now, I know everyone out there is going, “but they were lovely girls and people should love the mind, not the body.” Yeah, fair call, people should do that. Do they though? Fuck no. When was the last time you went out with a fatty, Rove? Or anyone else reading this for that matter? And if you can put a date to that or you’re thinking “Damnit BRAD! I’m dating a fatty right now!” Look down. Is your significant other dating a fatty too? I mean seriously, Belinda was a slammin’ hottie back in the day! Celebrities go out with celebrities, hotties go out with hotties and fatties go out with fatties. You punch your weight, man. The only way these girls are going to get the good feeling is in one of two ways:
1) They meet some other freaks like male conjoined twins or some guy with two asses or something, or (and more likely)
2) Sad to say, but some sexual deviant is going to rape them.
Oh and on that, “they’re lovely people” bullshit, fuck off they are. They’re obnoxious, they’re bossy, and they’re conceited and fucking annoying. Sure they’ve got it harder than most people and all that but at the end of the day, they’re bitches.
Oh, and by the way, I was struggling real hard the whole way through there not to mention the circus.

So, have you been watching ‘Ugly Betty’? I haven’t. That show looked fucking awful for months before it started. Now that it has, it looks even worse. Apparently it had two million viewers. I can’t remember if that was in Australia, America or world wide though. If it was Australia then there are a lot more people in this country that are more fucked up than I thought. If it was America, there are less people in that country that are fucked up then I thought. If it was world wide…that show is fucked up. What a stupid premise: an ugly girl thrown in to the most superficial industry in the world and taking on the challenge! Wow! It’s the original fish out of water story. It’s such an original idea. Oh – and then we’ll make the ugly girl “hot” (I use inverted commas because she’s still ugly as sin) and a bunch of under-sexed, chauvinistic, ‘lowest-common-denominator,’ construction workers to wolf whistle at her like she is a piece of meat (why would you whistle at meat?) or a dog on heat or something. Then, we’ll reinforce the stereotype that objectifying women is fine by having her thank them for the “compliment” just like in ‘The Taming of the Shrew.’ If I was zombie Shakespeare, I’d be so pissed. Did you know Shakespeare was gay? (I only put that in there in the off chance that my high school English teacher still reads this, because that used to piss him off real good). Why in fuck would people watch this stupid shit? How fucking retarded is the Australian pubic to watch this rat faeces? It’s seriously everything your parents bring you up to NOT believe in. No wonder children are growing up so morally corrupt and doing drugs, being pregnant at fourteen, sending celebrities hate mail and shit like that. The one thing that show does have going for it that every other ‘ugly girl makes good’ story seems to fuck up: the ugly girl is actually ugly! She’s not contact lenses and a scrunchie away from being hot, or crappy homemade sex video with night vision away from keeping her fame – TURN YOUR HEADLIGHTS ON, PARIS, YOU RICH, DUMB WHORE! What a mole. If ever anyone has begged for a bullet in the temple, it’s her. At least three people that I know from school have been in car crashes because of drink driving. One is dead, another in a wheel chair he operates with his chin and the other is fine…but his passenger pees in a bag attached to his wheel chair. For at least two of those people, it was the first time they had been drink driving. Paris, Nikki and all these whores keep getting busted for it. My point? Why won’t these sluts just die? Fucking celebrities.

Now, once again, I don’t want to get sued by a multinational corporation like Coca Cola for example, but have you seen those ads for a certain new energy drink (that will remain nameless)? Anyway, I tell ya, it’s a force of nature. What the fuck is up with those ads? First off, they use that whore from ‘The Wedge’ who is about as funny as sitting on your nuts. Fuck I hate that show and her in particular. Implying Sandra Sully is a slut – as if she asked to get raped. Then next they have that rat looking thing that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, bitching about some bird being dead. Or how his habitat use to be a nice quiet place, but now it’s off the hook – as if people want all the kids in their suburb going nuts and ripping down trees and shit. As if an energy drink has that sort of effect anyway. Those bitches are on ice or angel dust or some shit. Fuck those ads are retarded.

Speaking of ads, have you seen those ads for APIA? Firstly, who the fuck are the guests that are on their ‘talk show’? I mean, they’ve got the demographic right, I guess, my dad giggles every time those god awful ads come on. Then, they spend the next thirty seconds ripping on anyone under 55 as if all the world’s problems are our fault. Well guess what – IT’S NOT MY FAULT THE WORLD IS FUCKED, IT’S YOURS! I’m just here to pick up the pieces! So, these baby boomers go and fuck the world six ways from Sunday, then give themselves a discount on their insurance and expect me to solve global warming! Well fuck you, you condescending arseholes! And you expect me to give my tax dollars to nursing homes? Fuck that. If it was up to me you’d all have to eat crude oil and I’d stock the place with carbon monoxide tanks instead of oxygen. Assholes. “A better insurance risk” my arse. If you’re all such great drivers why is the trend to hand your licence in when you get old? Shouldn’t you become BETTER drivers because of all your experience (that I can’t get because you fuckers just WON’T retire)? Yeah! Make sense of that and stay fashionable. All those wankers on those ads act like they were never young. Did you know that age is the only legally accepted form of discrimination now? Fuck they take advantage of that, don’t they! How often do you hear of young people getting their pension stolen in the street, or raped in their homes? If you don’t live in Brisbane – the answer is very rarely. If you live in Brisbane and you’re of the female persuasion; buy a treadmill and stay off the walking tracks! Fuck, we’re in an epidemic over here. If South Australia is the capital (shut up, I know it’s a state) of serial killers than Brisbane is the capital of rapists. Every other day some poor girl gets raped on a bikeway somewhere. Fucking North-side, ruining it for the rest of us. Anyway, getting back to it – I hate that fat mole in the glasses on those ads. I want to punch her right in her wrinkly face! Stupid hag! Giving shit to my generation as if it doesn’t mean that we won’t put our parents in the cheapest home we can find. The only good thing about her being old is that it means she is likely to die soon. I still don’t get how they’re a cheaper insurance risk. Last time I checked, all old people die. Like seriously – all of them. Old people get sick more often, get cancer more often, smell like moth balls more often. These things (apart from the moth ball one) are all insurance risks. If I knew that someone was insured by APIA and I was driving in front of them, I’d slam on my breaks so that they crash in to me.

Ok, so Anna-Nicole is finally six foot under. Let me just be among the first to say: THANK CHRIST FOR THAT! I’m so sick of hearing about that glorified hooker! Although, I think that Jerry Bruckheimer really missed out on a new TV show idea. Oh – and I’m claiming creative copyright on the following, so if it ever happens, I’m gonna sue some body and get paid! I gotz to get paid! Anyway, here it is: It’s called ‘Celebrity Burial.’ So what happens is, once a celeb bites the big one – O.D’s or what have you, we follow their family around as they prepare for the funeral service. We see them crying when they get the call being notified. If they have to I.D the body, we see that, then we follow them as they pick a casket, choose a funeral home and shit like that. We watch the service then we see them get lowered in to the ground or burnt to a crisp. It’s a fucking great idea, hey? And since celebrities seem to NEVER die, it could be one of those ‘Special Event’ type shows and can go for an hour or two. And here’s my favourite bit: At the end of the show, while the credits are rolling, we can see the backhoes and what not as they pile the dirt back in to the hole. It’s fucking brilliant. Am I a genius or what? I know, I’m a fucking genius. If someone made that shit about Anna-Nicole, I’d watch that.

Hey Pete, I saw you playing cricket on TV the other week. It was some celebrity fundraiser thing. Not only were you too stupid to realise that your team didn’t win (in fact no team won, it was a draw, so you both lost) your fat arse only managed to score one run. Doesn’t being fat ever get you down?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

09:04 pm - Are you coming back? + Ratings + Pete + 24 + Rove's boys

Dear Rove,
How is your holiday going? Any plans to come back to Channel 10? I’m hoping ‘no’ but I just don’t know. Your website says that you are, but I dunno, apparently people really like ‘The OC’. Not me though, I think it’s shit. I almost had a party when Triple J’s Scott ‘Dools’ Dooley announced that it had been canned. It seems that America just doesn’t care anymore now that…umm…Marissa?....Narissa?...Something ending in ‘…issa.’ Anyway, the hot bitch that tries to sell my girlfriend Neutrogena and ‘Famous’ magazine. I would seriously reconsider putting your show back on if I were in charge of Channel 10. If I were in charge of Channel 9 however, I’d just go right ahead and top myself. I mean seriously, Eddie, get fucked. Do you have any idea how happy we were when we found out that you were finished being on TV? Now you’re coming back for another quiz show! That’s bullshit. You can’t do that. Fuck arse!

So, I was doing some thinking while I was at work the other day – not about work though, fuck that. Do you know what I realised? Probably not. Since you are on holidays, I assume that you are in some sort of cocaine induced coma. Never the less, what was your average amount of viewers last season? My internet is being really shit right now, so I can’t actually confirm this, but I seem to remember it being at about 750,000 viewers. I don’t need to tell you just how shit that is. I mean, it was ‘The Glass House’s’ last season and they were getting around 800,000 and ‘Spicks ‘n’ Specks’ was averaging about 850,000 – 1,000,000 with their season finale raping it in over a million. ABC was kicking your arse all up and down the place. Okay, fair enough, you’re not in direct competition with them, but it’s ABC for Christ Sake. THEY CAUSE CANCER! I ride past that place on my bike when I go cycling. If I get ball cancer, I’m coming for them! Anyway, that’s not my point. In fact, I’m still making my point. So, I remember checking out the ratings for ‘Today Tonight’ and ‘A Currant Affair.’ Now, these two shows are in direct competition with each other. Do you know how many viewers each of them have? Around 1,000,000 each. That’s right. One million for Naomi’s body double, and one million for a show too poor for a desk. And you. Well, you can’t even get one million on your own. Weak as piss. You get a lot of ‘A’ grade guests that the nation adores (for some reason) and you can’t even get them to watch your show. Yet, a few hours earlier, people watch a show they openly admit they hate the host of. How fucking shit does that make you?

Speaking of shit, go to your own gym, Pete, you fucking perv! How much are they paying you to make that much of an arse of yourself? Women go to unisex gyms too. I can only assume that you are a perv or a complete fucking wank. What happened man? I use to think you were cool. Those Corolla ads you did with Corinne were pretty funny. Now, you are reduced to promoting a ladies’ gym that can’t even get itself a decent athletic female to promote it. So, instead, they get an overweight fat man to put a towel on his head and draw as much attention to himself as possible without actually saying anything. Well fucking done. For your sake, ‘Rove Live’ better come back. You have a family to provide for. Is your financial situation that screwed that you have to take every lame opportunity that comes up? My friends are having a party on Saturday. I’ll give you $50 + airfares if you want to do a short set for everyone. It’s just at my neighbour’s place. Fuck it, you can even sleep in my spare bedroom if you want. I’ll make sure that I clean the kitty litter tray so that the place doesn’t reek of cat piss.

Speaking of cats, how fucking rad is it that ‘24’ is back? How does that relate to cats? Well, my cat is called Kiefer. I named him after the man himself, Kiefer Sutherland. Man, Jack Bauer is the fucking bomb. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if everyone just listened to Jack, the show would just be called ’12.’ But, while we’re on the topic, why the fuck can’t Channel 7 keep that shit on at a regular time? I’ve got a busy life, you know. I’ve got other people that I hate as well. I can’t be planning my life around when ever the fuck Channel 7 feels like putting my show on. What if I can’t be home on Wednesday night to watch? I don’t have the expressed written permission of Channel 7, Fox and the creators of ‘24’ to tape that shit! Piracy funds terrorism man – I’ve seen the ads on the start of DVDs. Imagine the irony of that! Funding terrorism by taping ’24.’ Fuck that ad is lame. What kind of lame arse terrorist spends his time planning Jihad in his cave and copying new release movies to sell at the local flea market? A fucking lame one! That’s for sure!

So, I hope that this email was better than my last piece of shit. Sorry about that. I know that you are use to delivering low quality comedy, but I, on the other hand…actually, no, I got nothing. Hating everything is fun. I mean, if you assume that everything is going to be a let down, you are always pleasantly surprised.

Oh, I forgot to ask – how are those wankers going that you financed? Any court cases coming up that we should know about? I would love nothing more than to find out that your money resulted in a bunch of boys getting arrested in some back water town for fucking up some pub.

Hey Pete, did you see Chas when he came out of court a few weeks ago? That’s funny, but you…well, these days you’re just fat. And fat hasn’t been funny since we got in trouble for teasing the fat kid in primary school.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

Ps – Australian ‘True Crime’ dramas are fucking shit.

03:02 am - New Years + Naomi Robson + Returning in 2007

Dear Rove,
How the fuck are you? I’m actually doing alright on this New Years Day. I’m shocked that I am not more hung over. I won the vomit the race last night. I set an early record by chucking for the first time at 8.10 and followed it up a couple more times through out the night to take out the number one position on the leader board with four hits. Fuck it was awesome. I don’t think anyone was expecting me to keep drinking after number one…but I showed them! All in all, it was a top night and I’m not paying for it today. What did you get up to? Did you find any high grade hookers or did you decide to sit this one out because, “it’s a little too soon to be thinking about that”?

This is going to have to be a fairly short email because I am about to go on a short holiday when I remembered that I had to email you. Please forgive any mistakes; I’m in a bit of a hurry.

Anyway, what has been happening recently? Well, I think we can’t go past the shocking retirement of Shane ‘I’ll fuck anyone’ Warne. A big ‘Who Cares’ on that one! Oh my god, a cricketer has retired “woe is me!” Sure he was good, but fuck he knew it. There’s a fait chance that he fucked Belinda. I mean, he’s nailed everyone else. And then there’s McGrath. Notice how no one really cares about that? Everyone is too concerned about Warne to even realise that McGrath is talking. Word on the street today is than Justin Langer is retiring too. I follow cricket so closely that I have NO IDEA who this crazy person is! Cricket bores the shit out of me. It’s about as much fun to watch as your show.

I’m trying to think what else has happened in recent times to piss me off. Oh yeah, that new bitch on ‘Today Tonight.’ Is it just me, or did Naomi just dye her hair and get a facial reconstruction? She’s a carbon copy of the mole. They could be twins, I swear. Oh, and while we’re on Channel 7, Grant is gone from ‘Sunrise.’ No surprises there. He had the worst job in television – flying to a new back water town everyday to read out the same weather report every morning while inbred hicks came down with shitty placards. No wonder he quit. It must have been a tough choice – “do I want to travel every day of the week and never see my dogs or do I want to race cars and do what I want? Hrmmm….HRMMMMM!” Why was everyone so fucking shocked?

Your website suggests that your shithole TV show will be back in 2007. That makes me sad in my pants. I thought I had won. I mean, it wasn’t the victory I was hoping for, but a ‘w’ is a ‘w’ no matter how you look at it. Hey, I read somewhere that during the plague times and shit like that, when they buried people, they buried them with a bell above their grave with a cord going down in the coffin because when they dug up the coffin after the rent was done to bury a new body there, they kept finding scratch marks in the insides of the coffins…BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WEREN’T DEAD! I guess what I’m trying to say here is that; well…did you double check her pulse before you put her underground? I mean, that’d be a shit way to go!

I tell you what; I’m really looking forward to season 2 of ‘Prison Break.’ That’s gonna be insane. I love that show and I think my girlfriend enjoys Wentworth Miller as well. I can understand that.

I’m having trouble thinking of things that I have been hating recently. I find that since you have been off the air I’ve been happy. I can only conclude that your show is the source of all my anger. You fucking bastard.

Fuck, it looks like it’s time to go.
Sorry to cut this short, I’ll talk to you soon.

Hey Pete, I almost forgot your name then. It seems that I was forgetting who you were because you’re so talentless.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

01:09 pm - Today Tonight + The Labor Party + Movies + Glass House + Fiji

Dear Rove,
It’s a bit of a shame that your show isn’t on at the moment. I mean, after all, this is my anger outlet. Don’t get me wrong though, if the only down side to your show not being on the air is that I don’t have my weekly rant, than I guess it’s a fair trade. Still, there is so much to complain about and being that I didn’t email you the last two weeks or something I have found myself a little anxious. Like, for example, right now, ‘Today Tonight’ is showing an exclusive report on imported seafood and how, “you could be playing Russian roulette with your health.” Fucking idiots. Isn’t it a surprise that they aren’t actually comparing the same fish? “Here’s the Australian Barramundi at $27 a kilo…here’s the Taiwan Basa which is actually Catfish at $10 a kilo.” Is it even fair to compare to different products? That’s like going, “here is a fresh granny smith apple which tastes really nice and just like an apple, compared to this more inferior, orange coloured orange which tastes nothing like an apple.” Just because both of the products you tested were fish doesn’t mean they’re the same, you fucking bunch of wankers!
And while we’re on the topic of ‘Today Tonight’ we might as well talk about ‘kids gone wild’! Dropkick parents that can’t raise their children run to ‘Today Tonight’ for some sympathy. “My kids are stealing cars and hanging out with the wrong crowd! I don’t know what to do!” Try talking to your kid instead of yelling at them, like you would a dog that just pissed on the carpet, you ice addicted moron!
Oh, and finally, let me just officially say goodbye Naomi Robson, I hope you get hit by a bus. “Mmmm, strong words.” She’s not even human. That’s just a human suit, she’s really a dragon. That’s why it takes an hour to put her make up on! Do you know if she has any plans for future television work? Because if she is keen, I’ve got a good idea for a new reality TV show. It’s called ‘TV Hosts Get What’s Coming.’ Basically, it’s a game show where ‘Australia’s worst Land Lords’ and ‘Australia’s Biggest Con-Artists’ (as named by ‘Today Tonight’) answer questions about the bias nature of ‘Today Tonight’ and the winner gets to stone Naomi. Actually, fuck the question round, I’ll just find kids in the neighbourhood and we’ll go round to her house and knock on her door. When she answers, we’ll throw rocks at her head.

What else has been pissing me off recently, besides the Ashes and drunken knobs stopping me from knowing who won awards at the Walkley’s? Fuck, ‘Today Tonight’ is still on and Kevin Rudd is giving an interview. Nice. Well done, Kev. That’s a reputable news outlet, you fucking dork. If you lose this election now, I’m going to be pissed! I’ll be back in a few hours to finish this off. I’m going to the movies. Back soon.

Okay, so I am back from the movies. For the Record, ‘The Santa Clause 3’ is shit. Borat, on the other hand, is fucking rad! Don’t you just love it when you walk out of a shit movie and a good one is just starting? So, instead of leaving, you just go straight in to the cinema of the good movie? I do. That’s what happened. So, I’m sorry Sasha, but I didn’t pay for your movie, I hope your government doesn’t kill you. I almost wish you did that episode of ‘Rove Live’ because Borat would have been too much for you.

So, ‘The Glass House’ is finished. That’s a bit shit. It had an awesome run though. It was sad when Corinne cried; Dave looked like he was about to as well. Also, just on that, I have to give it to Koche. He said some awesome things about our generation. It’s pretty cool when you see that some people don’t think we’re a generation of fuck ups. So, I’ll just take this moment to say that Koche is alright. Mel on the other hand is a fucking moron and Kerrie-anne use to be hot.

Well Christmas is coming along pretty quickly. Is it really any surprise to anyone that I don’t like this time of year? Christmas stops being fun once your age reaches double digits. And posting a letter sucks arse this time of year as well. The lines are fucking huge at the post office and everyone’s a wanker. I wish Santa was dead.

Summer ratings have started as well. Or as I like to call it ‘The B-Line Up.’ Does anyone really look forward to ‘King of Queens’? I mean seriously, that shit is fucked. On the plus side, ‘Home and Away’ and ‘Neighbours’ go off the air for a few weeks and ‘Letterman’ comes back to late night TV. I don’t think I’m looking forward to any ‘summer TV shows’ this year. I guess I’ll just have to spend the next few months boosting my DVD collection.

Finally, The Hilltop Hoods have taken out this year's J-Award. Congrats to those boys, I haven’t seen them for a few years. It’s awesome to see them getting some cred, they’ve been working really hard. They kick the shit out of last year’s winners, ‘Wolfmother.’ Those guys are fucking awful. I hope they’re in the bus that takes out Naomi and get done for manslaughter. Is there anything they won’t sell their songs to? Movies, ads, TV shows, etc. They’re as bad as Jet and the Dandy Warhols. Those guys are whores. Selling themselves to everything they possibly can. Arses. I hope they all die too. There’s sex on TV. There might be something to this ‘Nip/Tuck’ show after all. It’s just turned in to a threesome. I think there is something to this TV show. Everyone likes a bit of smut. Aww, it’s an ad.

Wouldn’t you be stoked if you were holidaying in Fiji? “Come on, we’re on the HMAS Kanimbla, we’ve come to rescue you! Quick, get in the chopper!”
“Yo, fuck that! I’ll take me chances here; at least they’ll find my body!”

Hey Pete, I’ve had a look in the job section of the paper this week…it’s not looking good, buddy.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

Ps – The new single sucks.

11:11 am - See you next season?

Dear Rove,
I guess this means that I win.
If you’re back next season, I will be too.
Until then, I’ll continue to send you emails on the first Monday of each month. Don’t stress though, most of the hate will be aimed squarely at other retards that are on TV but shouldn’t be.

Hey Pete, what are you doing with your holidays?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

09:55 am - No hate today.

Dear Rove,
A lot of people have demanded that I not send you hate mail this week. At the same time, a lot of other people have said that I should. I’m still not sure which I am going to go with. All these sooks are saying that I obviously haven’t lost someone or else I’d have some compassion. As if I don’t have a terminally ill relative, grandparents or friends in car crashes. I have a firm belief that once you can’t laugh at something and find humour in it anymore than it’s won. It’s for that reason that I want to write today’s letter. However, even people I hate are entitled to mourn.

I always liked Belinda, I thought she was a fairly tops actor, especially in ‘The Nugget.’ So, I guess I am offering my condolences.

Hey Pete…hey.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

Ps – This doesn’t mean that I don’t still hate you.

01:04 pm - 'Ask Rove' + Daniel MacPherson + Marcia Hines + U2

Dear Rove,
How was your weekend? My neighbours had a party on Saturday night. It was pretty ripping. In the morning, their backyard was a mess. There was a car with a smashed rear windshield (thanks to a bottle thrown by yours truly, I might add), a whole bunch of rubbish and even a kitchen sink. At some point during the party, one of the guys I work with went for a walk with my girlfriend and another mate and when they came back…they had a kitchen sink with them. Other highlights include ‘The Dancing Queen’ (as Shan called her) who kept Latin dancing and then asking boys to dance with her and then dip her – anyway, she got dropped during a dip…that was funny. What else happened? Umm…oh, a little bit of drifting in a ute which is always fun. How was your weekend? Crack filled and memorable? So, you updated your ‘Ask Rove’ section of your webpage.

“At the beginning of every show when you come out on stage and tell some jokes, do you make them up as you go, do you have a script to follow or are you just on drugs?
Brayden “
Well, as Rove said in his response, “Sometimes I am on drugs.” But most of the time, Rove has a team of writers that write his jokes for him. Then he reads what they write with his head writer and asks what most of the big words mean. After that, he has someone write it all down for him and then he goes on stage and ruins everything written down because the people in the back room, while not being very funny are still funnier than him.

NEXT!

“When I ask a girl out I need to look at her fingernails. I don't like short little stubby ones that measure approx. less than 1cm in height. Is this shallow?
- James”
James, you’re a fucking weird one, aren’t you? Yeah, you are. Crazy motherfucker. You’re single, aren’t you? Yeah, I bet you’re single. Because you’re a little bit nuts. This isn’t one of those ‘adorable quirk’ things that girls tell their friends about at slumber parties while they do each others makeup, give each other up styles and experiment with each other after three or four Cruisers (or as I call them, ‘slut-filled-slut-fun-slut-drinks’). This is one of those strange quirks that result in your neighbours being interviewed on the news saying stuff like, “he always seemed really nice. He kept fairly quiet and kept to himself.” Seek help before people start dying.

“Just wondering if you could dress up as a banana to start off your next show?
- Amelia”
Hey Amelia. That’s a fucking stupid question. I do have good news though. I think I know someone who might be interested in going out with you. His name is James and he sends stupid messages to Rove too. Be careful though, he’s gonna snap one day and take like 10 people with him – Port Author styles.

“Do you have any chest hair?
- Rach”
What? Seriously? You had one question that you were allowed to ask Rove and it was that? Please, please, please, I hope you never meet God and get to ask him a question. That’d be embarrassing.

Answering questions is fun. If people want to ask me questions for me to answer in next week’s email that could be fun. If you want to, ask me questions about anything you want to know my opinion about. If you don’t, fuck you, I didn’t want to answer your questions anyway, asshole. Anyway, on to the hating – and oh boy, there’s some hate today.

First up, is Daniel MacPherson, who is a very hard person to hate. He has that annoying charm that the guy from ‘The Secret Life of Us’ had in the first season before he started doing all those Hungry Jacks ads which really put you off your game when you were trying to make some love and then on comes his ad and instead of thinking about getting your mack on, you’re thinking about “flame grilled whoppers.” Bastard. Ride your unicycle somewhere else, arse-clown! Anyway, I never saw Daniel on ‘The Bill.’ Actually, speaking of ‘The Bill’, ABC has got a little trigger happy with axing bias, left wing shows. I was talking to one of my mates about this and I asked what shows they would have left if they canned all their bias programming, ‘The Bill’ he replied. Too fucking true. Anyway, none of this has anything to do with ‘Tripping Over.’ I haven’t seen it at all to be honest, it looked good, I just didn’t watch it, so now I won’t. I like that nerdy kid that from ‘Always Greener.’ He’s awesome as well. So how is the series? Is it worth getting in to? Have you seen ‘The Unit’? That’s pretty good. I watch that. It has President David Palmer from ‘24’ in it so it has to be good!

Marcia Hines? Fuck she is annoying. “I don’t know what you’re doin’ but I’m diggin’ it.” That is a fucking stupid thing to say. She is an outright moron – the only reason people don’t seem to see this is that Mark and Kyle are sitting beside her and in comparison, she looks fairly smart. Worse still is Deni Hines. Can she even sing? I’m almost certain that she sounds like a cat being rubbed on a cheese grater. Shit I hate them both. Have you seen her on ’20 to 1’? She’s ridiculous. Now, I heard her say that she went to Woodstock in her mummy’ tummy. I later heard Marcia say that she was 17 when she went to Woodstock. I think it was 17; it might have even been 16. Either way – a little early to be having kids. How about you focus less on singing and more on not being a whore. Now they are going to sing together. Fucking great. Its times like this I wish your studio burnt down during filming and not over night.

Just for the record – I fucking hate U2. Bunch of fucking jerks. Remember when Aaliyah’s plane crashed? Why couldn’t that happen to U2? I hate ‘The Edge’ and I fucking hate Bono. What kind of knob changes their name to ‘The Edge’? How conceited would you have to be. And how shit is his beanie? Tosser. He has that god awful moustache and beard – the kind that is only rivalled in stupidity by David Grey. And then there’s Bono. He cares. Bono cares, man. He cares so much about the starving children that he is going to stay in the ritziest motel on the Gold Coast (even though they are performing in Brisbane – they’ll fly there via coastguard helicopter after a “sizable donation”) at a reported price of $250,000 for the week for his entire entourage. I reckon if I cared as much about starvation and poverty and the like, I might be able to make some sort of a difference by donating that cash to world vision, or Bob Geldof or some shit. What an absolute jerk. Having the gall to say that people don’t do enough to help make a difference and then he goes and blows a quarter of a million dollars to stay at Palazzo Versace when he could have stayed somewhere in Brisbane that is a bit shit by comparison but would cost like $5,000 for the week. I hope he chokes on his own hypocrisy. Stupid fucker. What is it about rich people thinking that everything they do is so fucking good. Case in point: Madonna. You’re not rescuing anyone, you fucking whore. If you were anyone else in the world, you would have been arrested for kidnapping – and that’s a fact, bitch. I still can’t believe that knob calls himself ‘The Edge’ by the way. I’d be so embarrassed admitting that. Could you imagine making hotel reservations or shit like that with a name like that? “Yeah, uh, first name ‘The’ second name ‘Edge.’” The person on the other end of the phone is gonna be like “third name ‘lame’ (sorry to anyone who expected something funnier than that). Who can blame Chris Martin for calling his kid ‘Apple’ when other people can’t even be trusted to name themselves? Famous people are idiots.

Hey Pete, have you got an X-box 360? I don’t, but then again, I’m not fat.

Sincerely,
BRAD!

12:19 pm - ARIAs + Dame Edna Everage + Jesse McCartney + The Dudesons + John Mayer

Dear Rove,
How goes it? I’ve just had this huge dinner at my neighbours’ house. Nice little barbie and a few beers. Very little is better. What did you get up to this weekend? Score some good rock and really can’t remember much after that? Yeah, I know what that’s like…well…not really, but I can pretend. How were the ARIAs by the way? I saw about 5 minutes of it last night but then Wolfmother came on, so I went outside and topped myself. Fucking wankers. How did they pick up three ARIAs? That’s bullshit. And Bernard Fuck-Off Fanning taking the night out. Oh, and what was with everyone referring to Clair Bowditch as a “virtual unknown”? Fucking pack of wankers. I hate that attitude where if it doesn’t get played on B105 or Today then it doesn’t exist. The same shit happened on Idol apparently. Fucking Kyle. Fat bastard. He has no right to say anything bad about anyone until he drops 50kg and buys a mirror and sees how ridiculous he looks. Disco’s dead you fuckwit, tone down the collar. You’re not impressing anyone. Did Roving Enterprises produce the ARIAs again? Is that how you managed to get a guest spot again? What is with you pretending you know about music? Tosser. Just for that, I’m answering your questions again. But before I do that, I have to have a word to Matt Juniper. Matt was your email of the week and apparently his wife’s water broke while laughing at your show. “That gives a new meaning to the phrase ‘a side splitting laugh’”. What the fuck is wrong with your wife and where the fuck is her vagina for it to be a ‘side splitting laugh’? That shit is fucked. You’d have to realise having a vagina on your side is just not normal. Imagine taking a piss.
Well, it seems that you are a little lazy with you questions. I can understand that you are pretty busy organising your one day of the week on TV, so talking to your fans isn’t much of a priority. It seems that you don’t even listen to the people who like you, let alone me and my friends.

First up on your show is Dame Edna Everage. I’ve never seen the fascination with this lady. I just do not get it. Barry is a fairly decent dude. I’ve read bits of his autobiography while on the john. Turned out to be a good life for him, I guess. I just guess that I don’t see why everyone holds this character up on such a pedestal. But either way, 50 years is a fucking long time to be popular for. This is my fourth year of this and I think its popularity peaked quite some time ago. How did he do the same thing for 50 years and retain his fan base? Maybe it’s the glasses. Those have always been cool. It’s like Frank Woodley’s hat. He’d be nothing without it, despite his talent.

I got a cat last Wednesday from the RSPCA. I bought him for my girlfriend as a present. He’s about 8 months old. We couldn’t think of a name for 2 days, but we decided on the radest fucking name around: Kiefer. After the guy that plays the toughest mother-fucker on TV (I’m talking about Jack Bauer from ‘24’ of course – that shit is fucking rad!). Anyway, Kiefer’s chasing a moth at the moment. Flies and moths piss Kiefer off, and just like ‘24’ he ain’t putting up with no shit, so he’s trying to take them down. Unlike Jack Bauer though, my cat keeps letting them get away.

Jesse McCartney? Isn’t he that little singing fuckwit that was in that 60’s TV show that changed names? ‘Summerland’ was the second name. I can’t remember what the first was though. It had some other singer in it I think. Someone from Idol, maybe? I dunno. My brother liked that show and he’s older than me. What a knob. Anyway, from memory, that kid was more annoying than the blonde haired kid in ‘7th Heaven.’ That kid needed a hair cut. What is with record labels giving contracts to kicks before their voices break? I’m thinking Little Bow-wow, and there was that other kid – the one who had the older brother in a boy band…hrmm…if only there was some tool where I could quickly and easily search to find out who he is. Fuck Google. Damn multi-coloured logo. I just think it is retarded giving a teen a music contract when it turns out they’re going to be on shitty television shows. This wanker doesn’t even have his own website. He’s just using his record label’s. What a lamer. He’s on Hollywood Records as well. This is, of course, part of the Disney Corporation. Fuck that’s an evil machine. How did that become such a massive company from ‘Steam Boat Willy?’ And what about ‘Fantasia’ when Mickey started hacking those mops in half? That shit was fucking scary. Mother fucking scary. Damn Jesse McCartney. I hope he slips of the held desk chair and spends the rest of the show unconscious.

Oh my god, its The Dudesons. Fuck me, these guys are fucking crazy. They make the Jackass crew look respectable. I think I’d rather hang out with Johnny and Bam then the Dudesons because I would probably end up dead if I hung out with them. The first time I saw them on TV, they were taking a dump in the letterbox of some neighbour that they hated. Then, they dug a hole in his driveway, or took out his bridge. Either way, he drove his car right in to the ground. Needless to say, he was pissed. They were riding sleds off their roof as well. They’ve been in episodes of ‘Viva La Bam’ as well. There show is fucking disgusting but it’s hilarious. I mean, it’s not as bad as drinking horse semen, well, not normally anyway.

John Mayer annoys the shit out of me. The only thing worse than John Mayer playing music, is John Mayer collaborating with Kanye West (which he has done for his new album). I hate that style of soft/wuss rock. It’s so fucking boring. Plug your guitar in and play like you’ve got a pair, you fucking jerk. Budget not enough to get an ARIA award winner at such short notice huh? Oi, what the fuck was with the afro fuck from Wolfmother getting down on his knees with his award? What a fucking idiot. I also see that Human Nature have given up hosting wild life shows on the National Geographic Channel to cover more songs rather than write their own.

Hey Pete, you’ve got kids right? When they see you on TV do they say, “daddy, why is your boss such a fucking knob?”

Sincerely,
BRAD!

09:53 pm - 'Ask Rove' + Johnny Knoxville + James Morrison

Dear Rove,
How is everything going? What is the word on the Help Us Rove boys? I was joking around with my girlfriend the other night and we started talking about them. I said it would be funny if they did something terrible like rape some poor girl, get in a serious fight or crash their car and die and you were held responsible for funding their adventure. Then I thought it would be funnier still if they got arrested doing one of your dares. That’d be some awesome press for you. But enough about them. I’m sick of talking about these lamers. What else has been going on? I was learning how to ride a motorbike today. Fuck that was fun. I didn’t get out of first gear though. In fact, I didn’t even hit 40.

I’ve had a bit of an idea today. You have an “Ask Rove” section on your webpage. Well, today, I have decided that I am going to answer the questions that have been asked of you as well. So here we go:
“Me and my girlfriend were having an argument about what would hurt more, a nice hard kick in the balls or period pain?
Chris”
First off, Chris, nice grammar. Secondly, don’t be an idiot. Testicles are on the outside of the body and hurt like fuck when they get squashed. The most annoying thing in the world is in summer when your sack is lower than normal and you accidentally sit down and crush your nuts. That fucking sucks. As for period pain…we can’t feel it so I refuse to believe that it is real. If you kick a girl in the box (and I’m not suggesting that you do…unless she just won’t shut up) and she’ll drop like a sack of shit because it hurts – just like a dude. Period pain – it’s a myth just like the holocaust and the book of Revelations.

“I was just wondering what the slogan for Western Australian plates are? S.A is the festival, Victoria the garden, but for the life of me I can not think what WA is. Can you help?
– Josh”
Dear Josh, who cares.

“What are your favorite TV shows? Mine are your show (Rove Live), Everybody Hates Chris, Family Guy and American Dad.
Tia”
Hey Tia, Are you retarded? That’s a serious question. Do you really think that Rove doesn’t know what TV show he is on? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate the jerk…but you have to give him some credit – he does know where he is and what he is doing. You’re seriously a fucking idiot. Also, your choices of shows are astounding. Family Guy AND American Dad – wow, you’re seriously in to something underground and worth telling a celebrity about. Watch the News sometime and maybe you’ll get a clue. Jerk.

“I just was wondering if you were a superhero and could have any 5 powers what would they be?
Taylz”
First off would be the ability to get some decent questions. I am going to have to agree with Rove and say the power of flight. Some Jedi shit wouldn’t go astray either. Rove said time travel. Fuck that. How about time control. Yeah! The ability to STOP time. Fuck that’d be rad. So many politicians would get dacked if I had that power. And I’ll think of the rest later…or not at all.

“It seems that your guests wait a while before they are on. What do they do while they're waiting?
Zoey”
Think about how shit their lives are and why they have to do something as ridiculous as Rove’s show I would say.

Time for the guests! Hey, it’s Johnny Knoxville (who I note has changed the spelling of his name to include both n’s in Johnny). Fuck Johnny is rad. I remember the first time I saw him in one of the ‘Big Brother’ videos where he got hit by a car. It was hilarious. He was standing side on to the camera and bracing for something. He looked at the camera and yelled, “I’m Johnny Knoxville and I’m about to get hit by a car” and then like half a second later he got slammed by a car. It was fucking wicked. The next thing I saw was him testing self defence weapons, which was also used in the first episode of Jackass. What they didn’t show, was him shooting himself in the chest with a hand gun. That was fucking insane. He was wearing Kevlar though. On an interview with Dave Letterman he said something to the effect of, “that was pretty scary because I had to buy all the stuff myself and I was pretty poor at the time so I bought the cheapest vest they had.” He shot himself from an arm-span away. ‘Jackass: Number Two’ is fucking awesome. Whether its rocket powered shopping carts or a see-saw in a bull pen the movie is fucking awesome. It kicks the shit out of the first one - especially when Bam starts crying. I won’t ruin any more for anyone though; suffice to say that it is worth seeing. One of the movies you missed out that starred Johnny was ‘Life Without Dick.’ That’s a fucking hilarious movie. Aside from the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker is in the movie, it’s really good. Sarah is a whore. That fucking mole. She looks like a horse, damnit. Why did people think she was sexy in ‘Sex and the City’? Mathew Broderick could have done so much better than her. Imagine Ferris Bueller settling for her. That’s fucked.

Ohh, James Morrison. What a fucking lamer. I don’t know if this guy can actually sing that well or if auto-tune is working over time…but either way – shut the fuck up. That is the most annoying, whining voice on radio. I’d rather listen to Michelle Laurie (however she spells it) talk about her latex botox experience than hear his shitty songs. And while we’re on it – fuck botox, you fat whore, go for a jog or some shit. Jesus. Trying to make your face look better, I think you have bigger issues. Let’s not forget that at the end of the day, most of your work is done on radio – WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU! I’m so sick of hearing that shit song by Morrison when I am work. What is with wankers complaining with a guitar rather than actually going out and doing something about their problems? Fuck. Have you seen photos of this tosser? He looks so depressed. Crack a fucking smile every now and again. No one is that depressed all the time and doesn’t off themselves. Actually…in the long run then, a guess his depression has its advantages. We’ll just have to wait this one out I guess. It is artists like Morrison that really annoy me. Him, Britney, Pink and whores like that annoy the fuck out of me. You know how once a week a new 80s compilation comes out celebrating all the shit music of the 80s? Well, 20 or 30 years from now, I’m going to have some kids (if I find someone to procreate with me…or someone unconscious) and they’re eventually going to get their hands on one of these ‘Noughties’ compilations and they’re going to look at me like I’m more of an idiot than usual! Image the fucking rot that is going to be on those CDs…or what ever medium it is. They’re going to be like, “you liked this shit? It’s fucking woeful” and I’m gonna be like, “yeah…most of my generation was fucking woeful…oh, and sorry about fucking up the planet, we couldn’t be fucked fixing it.” Do you ever get embarrassed knowing that these fuck ups are going to be on your show. I should get my own show and put decent people on it. You own a production company – give me a show. Fucking do it.

Hey Ron, you’re pretty fucking boring…I’m not going to ask you questions any more because unlike Pete and Rove, who are just ignoring me, I doubt you know how to check your email.

Hey Pete, if there was a Celebrity Biggest Loser, would you go on it?

Sincerely,
BRAD!

11:01 pm - Your Blog + Ronan Keating + Carl Barron + Dallas Crane + My Ramble

Dear Rove,
How was your weekend? I didn’t think mine would be as exciting as it was. I mean finding out that the freeway I live near is falling down and will kill thousands of people (I haven’t checked my facts here, for all I know, it’s really just sagging as a result of a load bearing pole cracking and collapsing under the weight…but that’s neither here nor there). The important thing to remember here is that as far as I am concerned, lots of people could die like 5km from my house. Aside from that though, I had a fairly tops weekend. Whether I was trying to control a friend who had flown off the handle at a gig or losing cash at the casino, I was enjoying myself. Don’t get me wrong though – it could have been better. A race between flaming cats would always make a weekend complete. Then, last night, I got angry at the TV again. Fucking thing picked ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ over ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ as the World’s Most Inspirational Film. I was pissed. At about 95 I picked Atticus Finch to be the winner. Then they picked ‘Rocky’ to play for the evening. The one film in the top 5 that I own on DVD and it’s the one they want to play. Bastards.
So I went and had a look at that shit on youtube that was recommended to you by Dave Callan. I was fooled by both Dave and you. So, I was thinking the title of this shit fest was ‘Muse Knights of Cydonia’ and not ‘Muse – Knights of Cydonia.’ Fucking Muse. They’ve been shit for years now. And while I’m at it – Fuck You to all those pseudo-emo’s who love Muse, fantasize about killing themselves, wear black, have emo haircuts but definitely aren’t emo, ‘cause “that’s shit!” Fuckers, get over it, you’re emo.
Finally, before I get in to it. Hey Renae, (if your name is Renae, and you are thinking “wow, BRAD! is talking to me” then ask yourself, “Is my email ‘Rove’s Email of the Week’? If not, then I’m not talking to you…but hi!) you’re a fucking idiot. You flushed your phone down the toilet and now you’re on a crusade to stop other people from doing the same? Have you stopped to think that flushing your phone down the toilet is something only idiots and fuckwits do? (Drunken people come under the term ‘fuckwits’). So, you’re taking down your strides, with your phone in the pocket, and splash, it falls from your pocket in to the bowl? You’re fucking retarded.

I could check out youtube to see if Ronan Keating’s new film clip features subconscious product placement like other film clips…but that would be about as entertaining as Channel 9’s bullshit attempt at a celebrity-focused TV show, ‘Big Questions.’ How fucking annoying are these shows? ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ ‘What’s Good for You,’ ‘Survivor’ and ‘Fuckwits on Ice.’ What is with this trend of putting washed up people on TV shows. Oh, and let’s not forget all these interview shows like ’20 to 1’ and ‘What a Year.’ They’re starting to get fucking annoying! Especially when they start interviewing Russel Gilbert…or worse yet, give him a show. God he annoys me. Ronan Keating doesn’t really annoy me anymore. He and his world recording breaking number of consecutive top 10 singles can get fucked. I mean, he’s the biggest non-event these days. I don’t think I’ve even heard his name since ‘Notting Hill.’ So who cares?

I’m so past Carl Barron. I don’t even want to talk about him any more. He doesn’t even do anything between appearances on your show. I stand by comedian DVDs being the worst thing you can spend money on…aside from maybe cocaine. Especially if you are buying a lot of it with the intention of mixing it with battery acid…or basically anything and then selling it in smaller quantities at inflated prices. Actually, I’ve seen ‘Trainspotting’ – that idea is fucked. Don’t do it. If my supervisor at uni still reads this (which she sometimes does), she’ll be pissed at me for even joking about that. So will one of the guys I went to school with. His brother has had some hard times with cocaine. None as bad as the experience of watching your Carl Barron DVD for the 5th time though. Fucking waste of money. I’m not sure why that still bothers me. It wasn’t even my money. It was my girlfriend’s of the time. I dumped her arse though. She bought me Jet’s debut effort, ‘Get Born.’ I mean, when your girlfriend of 6 months buys you that shit for Christmas…its high time you broke up with her. So I did. Fucking Jet. Pitchfork Media thought their latest effort wasn’t even worth rating out of 10 and then in place of a review, placed a clip of a monkey pissing in to its own mouth. Once again, an activity that I would rather do than own Carl Barron’s new DVD.

I quite like Dallas Crane. Their new song, ‘Curiosity’ is quite tolerable…except when I hear it on Vodafone ads. Vodafone is shit. Fuck, my hair is so gross it needs to be washed. Also, on a totally unrelated note, do you think that youtube is worth 2.2 billion dollars? I mean, is there that much money in advertising on that site? That’s a shit load of cash. Do you know how many hookers you could kill and get away with if you had that kind of scratch? Not that I advocate the killing of hookers, I’m just saying…you probably could. Do Dallas Crane get played on other stations besides Triple J? They probably would on Nova, I don’t know. I just farted – it stank. It stank bad. Speaking of Australian music, are you all geared up for the ARIAs? Why the shit do you get to host it? That’s fucked. That’s like a retard giving out awards at the Olympics. Fuck that! They’ve got their own Olympics – give out awards there, damnit. You should stick to the Logies and keep watching that Gold Logie get handed out to other, more deserving people than you. My girlfriend is watching one of those real life ‘CSI’ type shows. How these cops solve crimes is beyond me. The narrator just said, “After spotting what appeared to be blood, the detective new he was at a crime scene.” There was this massive pool of blood like 1.5 metres wide and a banged up car – NO FUCKING KIDDING IT’S A CRIME! Pack of wankers. Do you see the pain the television is causing me?

That’s me pretty much done I think. I might just have a bit of a ramble about anything I want though, that’ll make me happy. Firstly, those fuckers from ‘help us rove.’ You’ve decided that you are helping them…what happens if they run off the road and crash and die? Or bash some folks in a pub at the top end? Or rape some poor girl? As their financer, wouldn’t that make you at least partially responsible? Or at the very least, make you look very bad? Let’s not forget the fact that you are exploiting these kids as well. I mean, making them so something before you will help them – like some sick, sadistic puppeteer.
The Asian chick from High 5 appears to be back.
Have you heard of a band called The Frou Frou Foxes? They’re from Brisbane and they’re fucking awesome. As long as people are being used, I think they should use your show to get themselves a better record label. Check out their myspace. I don’t know what it is because I hate myspace, but they have one.
How fucked is myspace? It’s like an online community where 15 year olds can talk freely with sexual predators. What a world we live in today. Then, they can get on youtube and switch on their webcam form some explicit dancing in their bedroom. Do you think the American Defence Department had this in mind when they had the internet invented? “We need some kind of system where we can send instant messages to each other and establish a World Wide peer2peer porn network.” I suppose that idea is a bit silly. That would be like Einstein and the like going, “AWESOME! I just invented the technology required to build the biggest bomb the world has ever seen…actually, if I can get this technology out there, it might just be powerful enough to destroy the world.” I mean, I doubt that happened…but it’d be funny if it turned out that it did. You know, funny in the same way that Walt Disney brings joy to children all over the world and yet, was an avid racist and was anti-sematic.

Hey Ron, do you have one of those recliner beds to help you get up to answer the door without hurting yourself, yet in the process take so long that by the time you get up, the person at the door is gone?

Hey Pete, do you think the term “whinging pom” is racist? If not, what about the term “sand-monkey?” Why aren’t the two comparable?

Sincerely,
BRAD!